WHAT!? So crazy, I couldn't be more excited. There are times I am worried or nervous, but that will be a post for another day when I have more time. The Lord has really been working on my heart lately to expose to to knew things and knew depths of love than I could have ever imagined myself knowing before. Again, a post for another day soon. Probably when I come back.
Before then, I wanted to share something FUN, and budget friendly (because we are obviously not rolling in the dough right now) I'm not an expert designer by any means, but I love how it turned out.
What am I talking about?
Big E.'s room of course!
I was desperate to give her a space unique, beautiful, and a representation of how much we love and want HER. I wanted it to be everything SHE wanted, while fitting my picky bill of decor (ask my husband, that's hard to do!) With her love of red and yellow paired with her taste for all-things-girly, I decided I was going for a whimsical/princess/romantic red and yellow theme.
I began a search on the internet and found TONS of options I loved, but only one problem...picky taste often times equals high price tags!
We just couldn't spend more than a few hundred dollars on everything, so I put my thinking cap on and got to praying and pinching pennies. Though I imagine I'll add a few more pops of red and yellow as awesome things catch my eye, it's basically done and I am proud to give her this space.
TA-DA! What do you think, fabulous right?
So here is how we did it.
The bed frame was DONATED to us, yes you heard me right, the princess frame was DONATED so the total cost for the frame was around $10.00 for new hardware.
I made the bedding myself (duh) and the pillow completely out of scraps of minky, binding and fabric I had left over, so the pillow was free and the bedding was just supplies.
The yellow curtains were a fabric steal at $3.00 a yard. I made the bed skirt out of some OLD curtains we had.
(up-cycle, up-cycle!)
The dresser was an auction find that used to look...a lot less enchanting. Add one talented hubby, a can of stain and VIOLA! A beautiful dresser and mirror for less $65.00
The chair, lamp and picture in the mirror we had. I made the flower vase for $2.00 from Wal-Mart (those ugly flowers they have CAN be put to good use) the vintage books were an Etsy find for $1.50, and the awesome Africa lunchbox was a gift from my sister-in-law.
The molding was actually free from our neighbors when they moved out, all we needed was white paint which I got 50% off at Wal-Mart for $4.00.
The fantastic tree decal? $5.00 on amazon. I kid you not. JAW-FLOOR, I know. It's is a pain to assemble as it isn't super sticky, but for $5.00 WHO CARES?!
So there, you have it! Design on an adoption friendly dime =)
Will I post again before I leave for my adventure?
19 days until one of the biggest adventures of my life, my first of TWO trips to Africa. So much to do, so many things still needed to fall in place. I am really trying to be present with my family HERE until I leave but there is so much to do! I am so afraid to leave Eva for so long. My heart aches to think of it. Adoption is HARD. We need lots of prayer for the financial pieces, the documentation, and the logistics to all come together. We come so far financially (praise The Lord!) but just because things are moving quickly now, doesn't mean we have all that we need. The boat is STILL for sale, and we must continue fundraising. There is still over 10,000 to go! TeJay and I really wanted to thank everyone who has personally, financially, and prayfully, invested in this journey. So many of you have made huge sacrifices not just for us, but as a mission to pursue Jesus. To support adoption. We have NOT forgotten this, all this would only be a dream and totally IMPOSSIBLE without you. We moved so many mountains on this road, and though we have the biggest ones yet ahead, I am so thankful for the love of friends, family and strangers! It is amazing to watch God provide and love us through his people.
Thank you to everyone who has pledged and committed to helping one less. One less lonely heart, one less motherless daughter, one more daddy's girl.
One less.
Though I wish I could post where I am headed to, or updates of our journey when there, you'll have to wait awhile. There probably won't be too many updates on this trip.
I am hopeful that while there we can push for our case to get filed and request a court date soon. We want our girl HOME!!! Also, please pray for protection while traveling, as many of you know I can't even find my way around the city I've lived in my whole life (that's why I married TeJay!!) and I've never done any real traveling. So thankful my mom is coming with me! Please, pray, pray, pray! I am STILL hosting the auction the first few days of November to help cover I travel costs of flight, and hotel.
We've been doing a series at Church on Galatians about fighting for Grace. Fighting to remember that Grace is FREE, that we do NOTHING to earn salvation by our own goodness. We can't, becuase on our own-we aren't good. We might think we're good (and by human standards you can easily use that argument) but we aren't perfect, and that is what God demands of us. Perfection. Because of that, God alone is responsible for his mercies on us. Though we are called to obey God, our obedience isn't what earned us favor with God, Jesus' obedience was. Though the law is not evil, actually, far from it, it is not the law that saves. It's Grace.
My pastor used, what I believe to be, one of the best analogies I've ever heard in reference to the law and grace. (excuse me while I paraphrase and hopefully not butcher his intentions)
He said, imagine you are walking down the road. Somehow you fall into this hole. When you hit the bottom you break both of your legs, your arms and something happens to your vocal chords to where your voice is gone. You can't walk, you can't crawl, you can't even cry out for help. You are an immobile prisoner in this hole.
Someone comes along and presents a perfectly sturdy ladder, and places it in the hole telling you to climb your way out. There is nothing wrong with this ladder, it's solidly-made, beautiful, and would most certainly help you out of the hole...if you were able to climb it.
But you can't. I can't. Because we are broken. The law is the ladder. The law isn't flawed or evil, but it can't get you out of that hole. You need someone to come in and rescue you.
The rescuer is grace. The rescuer is Jesus.
I found myself in love with the analogy, I made a mental note of it for when I share the Gospel-but still felt as though I didn't need this series. I KNOW grace was a free gift.
I know in the depths of my soul that I am sinner with a great need of a savior. I've done horrible things. Given the right time, circumstance, and situation I would do despicable things, and I know that. Jesus not only saved me from my past, he saved me from my future without him. Without Jesus I have no hope.
With Jesus I have promise, I have a future, I have GRACE.
I KNOW I am saved by Grace. I believe in the love of Grace so much that we gave Eva that as a middle name. We love grace in this house.
No, we aren't afraid of works, works aren't bad (in fact, the Lord commands them!) but, they aren't what save us. We work BECAUSE we have been saved, as a response to Grace. We do not work TO be saved. Just as faith without works is dead (James 2:14); good works without faith futile (John 15:4-5)
What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
-James 2:14
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself;it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
-John 15:4-5
So, what does this have to do with adoption?
Nothing and everything.
It's strange, but I've found myself thinking about grace a lot lately. Asking myself what my motives are for the things I'm doing in my life.
"It all comes down to your heart Ashleigh, are you serving Jesus TO be saved, or are you serving Jesus BECAUSE you're saved? Big difference Ash. One crushes the soul, the other free's it."
You see, as much as I KNOW grace is what saves me, as much as I KNOW grace is what frees me; time and time again I shackle myself up in the chains of the law. TIME and TIME again.
Did you know, when we first started this journey I ACTUALLY prayed to God saying something like this....
"Lord I know you are a merciful and loving father. I know you are leading us down this path and that it will take tremendous faith in you. Lord, I plead you to go ahead of us on the journey, I ask that you open the doors for us financially, spiritually and emotionally."
Sounds okay, right? But here is the kicker...I said this next:
"Lord I know this is a crazy amount of money we need. I want you to know I am not afraid of working, I won't ask you for all of it. I'll get extra jobs, I'll write blogs, I'll host auctions, I'll sew my fingers to the bone, Lord I want you to know I'm not just looking for a handout, I'll work for your kingdom and this child!"
Now, don't get me wrong, sitting back and eating bon bon's on the couch without doing anything, without writing blogs, without public speaking, without fundraisers, without praying, without saving, without cutting back would have been flat out wrong. It would be like saying- "Lord if you want this adoption to happen, fill out the paperwork yourself."
No, that would have been foolish.
BUT, for me looking back I can see that at times my motives were wrong. They were unholy. I was offering to work because I thought to myself, surely it couldn't happen without me. Surely my involvement was irreplaceable and required. Surely I don't deserve hand outs without as much work as possible in return!! How could I do that with a clean conscious?
I also believe a very real part of me did (and if I'm being honest, still does) feel as though the Lord will only take us so far on the journey before he drops us off to sea to steer the ship on our own.
That TERRIFIES me. What on earth will I do when the money runs out? When the faith runs out? When my strength runs out?
Because of that fear plan A has a plan B, and plan B has a C, and plan C has 14 escape roots and all of the elevators marked.
God is good and all, but I better be prepared in case He drops the ball. Funny thing is that, do you know, every attempt I've had, independent of seeking God or relying on him, has FAILED.
F-A-I-L-E-D.
Here is the latest example.
I decided that with $6,000 (ish) in lawyers fees coming up, a $2,000 (at least) trip quickly approaching, and a few more agency bills coming on any given day I'd better start scheming. I decided people, and God, had been gracious enough. We would not ask anyone for any more direct donations, instead, I would work on working more. TeJay and I had received more grace and gifts than anyone could stomach. Time to stop being greedy. Start taking odd jobs (watching kids for me, donating plasma for TeJay) and continue investing in Scrunch Nose and pinching pennies.
Good plan, right?
On paper, yes. We should be doing ALL of those things. We shouldn't be afraid or unwilling work for the Lord. We shouldn't, however, be afraid the Lord is incapable or unwilling to aid us any further, so we take back the reigns ourselves-which is exactly what I did.
I prayed saying, Lord I'll work! I'll sew enough pairs of shoes to pay for my stay in Africa. I'll hold another auction to pay for airfare! Don't worry God, you've done enough, you sit this one out-I've got this!!
So, I went to work. Happy as a clam. I sent out emails asking for donations in exchange for advertising and exposure to new clientele. So in the donations came, one by one, and as they did I can almost feel myself patting my own back.
Well done, Ashleigh, you're doing great!
Then, it happened. One of the most awful things that's happened to me in my sewing years. TeJay related it to the Health Department closing down a restaurant for flies.
My Etsy shop randomly disappeared.
Two years of work, of positive reviews, of feedback, pictures, description, shop exposure...gone.
Poof, without a trace.
I panic. I email 8651 people, I call people, I cry, and then I panic some more. I can't access my sold orders, I can't get any of my in stock inventory, pictures, or descriptions.
So I cry some more.
WHY Lord, WHY! You knew I was going to use this money to fly to Africa to meet Big E., remember? You know, the child we said yes to when YOU asked us to adopt.?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Two days-and no progress-I dug back through an old email account that I rarely check to find an email in March (when I did the first auction) that it was in direct violation of Etsy's policies and procedures and if I do it again my shop will be closed.
My. Heart. Sunk.
I felt angry, sad, embarrassed, humiliated, humbled, depressed.
I grovelled and grumbled as I finished my orders, rebuilt my shop (and apparently my soul) from the ground up. And for some reason I never got it. I was angry the whole time. I just kept saying
WHY? WHY WHY WHY!?
And then, just like that, it clicked.
GRACE. Sweet and smooth grace, like water to a thirsty heart. GRACE.
Had I forgotten so easily about the free love and mercies of God, that I favored my own wisdom to His?
You know what is even crazier? That I have not had one good reason to worry on this journey. That hasn't stopped me, of course, but I've had not one good reason.
Did you know that, to date, we haven't had even ONE bill come in that God hasn't provided for? NOT ONE BILL. That is incredible considering we've spend almost $18,000.00 on this adoption so far in OFFICIAL bills only.
$18,000 that the Lord has provided, and I need to work so hard without Him for my tickets?
Oh me of little faith. Oh me, observer of the law. What a fool.
I haven't truly trusted the Lord enough on this journey. Oh Lord, I am so sorry.
If you get anything from me (other than that I really DON'T have it all together, that I really am NOT that cool, and that I am NOT a good person) I want you to see the Love of my God. The undeserving, unmerited, love I've been given.
Oh, how He loves.
I'll close with a song that I've had stuck in my head on repeat since my shop closed. How great and faithful is our Lord!
If we end this journey with not one penny of debt and no grey hairs, it's all because of Jesus. If we end the journey with a loan and a head of grey, it too is all because of Jesus, and that won't be a bad thing or mean that He stopped caring.
No debt, no stress, no fears, no challenges can separate me from the grace of my God.
PROGRESS
Well folks, it's ALMOST official. I am in the progress of searching and booking tickets to go meet my daughter. This first trip will just be me (Scary!) and my mom if we are able to sort the details out. I plan to book the trip so it will be about a week long. Right now I am searching for dates in late November or early December. I'll keep you up to speed, I promise!
I am so THRILLED that in a matter of weeks I could very well be holding my daughter, even if just for awhile.
Our homestudy needed major revisions, as does our immigration approval and we are working on both of those before our dossier can be sent to Africa. The pieces are coming together and should be happening soon.
<3
Prayers are still greatly needed! Please stay tuned for an auction coming up the first week of November! Some very generous items have rolled in and the proceeds for the auction will go to my flight, hotel, stay and other adoption related tasks I'll try to tackle while there. When I figure out the luggage situation and exact dates, I may open up to accepting orphanage donations. When my new shop is back up, I'll be sure to share with you all too!
Part 1: Birth
Order
Yes, we are adopting out of birth order by 4 (possibly 5) years. Yes, I know it's crazy.
Was it a part of the original plan? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
In fact, I can remember talking about this very topic vividly together in the early stages of our adoption, (like before we had even decided to adopt internationally) and what we came up with was that we were not capable/willing to take in an older child at this time. However, it's pretty clear that we need to stop speaking for God, this is something I should have done a long time ago. He has guided every step of our journey, even when it was so dark I couldn't see. Doors closed that I couldn't understand, while others opened I never saw coming opened. We both believe that through a series of events, some of them excruciatinglydifficult, that God was preparing our hearts for Big E. Stretching them little by little, so that eventually we reached a place where we could look at this girl and say: "Okay, let's do it." Often times since announcing that we are taking in this 6 (maybe 7) year old, we have been met with excited faces that are both thrilled and curious. You can definitely see hints of confusion in faces out there when we share our story...and rightly so. A SIX (maybe 7!) year old from AFRICA?! Who does that?! Not this Reno housewife, or so I would have said even a year ago. A few years ago, I probably would have even given the same look that I often see on many a people's faces. If it was JUST ME, I'd say lock me up and throw away the key..I've lost my marbles! But it's NOT ME, it's God. He is molding us, shaping us, changing us...even if it is insane. My hope is that it's insane in all of the right ways. It takes a very insane unique family to jump into the world of adoption in general. It takes more of a trust in God than I could even explain in words. It takes faith, perseverance utter dependence and community. Pride has to go if you are willing to receive help (financially, spiritually etc.)and so does control. I hope that through this adoption (that we are EXCITED ABOUT BEYOND WORDS) that we are sharing the love of Christ in a whole new way. To this sweet little girl, to others around us, and very importantly...to ourselves. So yes, I get the strange and puzzled looks, I do, it really is a bit out there. The puzzled looks are totally okay with me. Other times, however, our news is met with looks deeper than puzzlement...they are met with fear.
A si...si...six year old!?
It's easy to see fear in others eyes.
Their eyes light up and I can almost see every adoption horror story they have ever heard comes flooding into mind. In fact, on more than one occasion the horror stories don't just come to mind, they come out of others mouths.
This really isn't all that unusual either.
(Side note people: Telling adoptive families horror stories is the SAME THING as telling a pregnant woman horror labor stories, it doesn't really help all that much. If you must share a horror story for educational purposes, please try to do so with tact (= )
For some reason we, as a society, are afraid of
older children. We wouldn't dare say it out loud, but we can too often look at
them as “damaged goods.” It confuses people a bit I think, that we are taking an older child when from the start of this blog we have wanted a child in a younger demographic.
So, the big question. Why did we go from 0-2, to 0-3, to 0-4 to a SIX
year old!?
Well, the answer (other than what should be the
obvious-God) is that the deeper we got into this journey the more our fears we
had before didn’t hold any water.
Russell Moore says it well in his book Adopted for
Life-
“An adopting Christian
couple may decide they want to adopt an infant or young toddler so as to
exercise a maximal amount of stewardship in that child’s life.That’s a legitimate decision.
On the other hand,
Christians must acknowledge that the OLDER a child is, the less “adoptable”
he is. It is always easier for orphanages or agencies to find willing
adopting parents for cute newborns than for older children.”
You
see, we aren't here to say EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT INTER-COUNTRY, or EVERYONE
SHOULD ADOPT TRANS-RACIALLY, or EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT OLDER CHILDREN!
No!! Not even in the slightest. I think making a
decision to disrupt birth order is one
that shouldn't be made lightly. For us, we had many concerns before making our decision; concerns about our daughter and the effect that taking in an older child might have. What about possible abuse situations? Or poor behavior that could be learned from an older sibling? What could she feel being displaced by birth order? These, and many more, were things we prayed, talked, and discussed often before making our decision of what was best for our family. The more we prayed and got to know Big E. through video clips and reports, the more our God allowed some of the fears we had to fade, or fall apart all together. For us, and our family, this is what worked. It’s not a decision someone should just jump into. It is my PERSONAL opinion that it
should be considered on a case-by-case basis with many things factored into play.
I don’t think we would just randomly take ANY older child by drawing blind straws
JUST because we wanted someone older specifically. But God led us to Big E. and
as we began to read all of her reports, as we watched the videos of her
playing, singing, dancing, smiling and talking about her deep desire for a
family-the fears we had of older
children began to fade just enough.
It breaks my heart that our sweet girl has been in
an orphanage for OVER A YEAR watching others come and go with families while
she only grows older by the day. She might
have even had to wonder, what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? (of
course I can’t speak for her thoughts)
It’s hard for me to understand when I look at her,
and I imagine at 6 years old-and still VERY much a child-it’s been even harder
for her. For some reason when we see a non-adoptive 6-year-old we can see this…
But when we think of adopting a 6-year-old we see this…
Now, don’t mishear me here. THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT
“WHO DESERVES IT MORE” but it is a
post saying, don’t older children need
homes also?
Part Two: Baked
Beans
I don’t enjoy beans. I avoid them like the plague.
If they are re-fried, baked, or any crazy style that leaves them in a gumpy,
gooshy, gooey brown form (YA-UCK!) I’m 800% sure I try to avoid eating them.
Beans are whack. I don’t enjoy living in a world run
by bean lovers, but I have to deal with it. I have to eat them on occasion
because people are CRAZY for the mushy nuggets and sometimes, there is just no avoiding it.
I don’t enjoy living in a world polluted with sin
either, but I have even less choice
in that matter. Beans and sin abound. Because we live in a world with sin, we
also live with a daily reminder of the consequences.
I know that we will have to deal with some “baked
beans” once home. I don’t mean to put down the very real struggles parents and
adoptive children face when merging together by referring to it as beans,
because it is so much more than that.
What I am however saying, is that I am not naïve
that this adoption will come with its own unique needs and demands.
Sin has affected the world and has left our girl
orphaned at an age old enough to truly feel the hurt, but young enough not to
understand. Of course there will be challenges. I know that.
But just because I know that, doesn’t mean I know
everything either. How could I? I'm 25 years old and still can't navigate my way around the city I've lived in my entire life (don't judge me!) clearly, I am lacking in all-things-knowledge.
I
didn’t know everything about having a baby, just because I was pregnant! I read
the books, I took the classes, but regardless at 3 am on 2 hours sleep after
the 87th diaper change of the hour I can remember thinking “no one
prepared me for this!”
I don’t doubt it will be the same here.
We know we will need lots of educating, lots of
support, lots of prayer, and lots of encouragement along the way. When I watch
her videos I often catch myself picturing a “picture perfect” family once she
comes home…
You know, we run through the lilies singing songs
and laughing unstoppably.
While there will be that, hopefully, I know it won’t
be all that. I pictured the same when pregnant with Eva and isn’t always that
either!
I know it will be hard. She will have hurts and
needs I’ll never be able to fully understand. She has had to live through
things I’ll never be able to fix. Things that are just downright unfair. I’ll
never be able to erase having to live in an orphanage for a year (however
loving and wonderful it is) and I’ll never be able to erase the pain in her
heart or the loss she’s had to go through.
I’m just not capable of that. I’ll do my best to
love her, support her, assure her we will never leave her, walk through life
with her, speak truth to her, nurture her, guide her, and listen to her…but I
can’t heal her. Only God can.
What I can do is give her a home, a mom, and
stability. I’ll need help with the rest no doubt.
Part Three:
Barbies
The other side to that coin is that no matter what
has happened to her; what she has done, what has been done to her, shouldn’t outweigh her need for a family.
At our WORST
Christ died for us, He redeemed us and adopted us, washing us white as snow.
If, when I shared her file and picture with others
in the adoption community, a family would have jumped on it I would have been
heartbroken, but it would have been okay. Maybe I would have even been slightly
relieved, because as much as I wanted her-I
feared her equally.
I read in an article when we were researching and
debating accepting her referral that “sometimes what we call wisdom is actually
FEAR.”
We always said to each other, we’ll adopt an older
child when our children are older.
But that’s just the thing, there are older children
waiting RIGHT NOW. Children who only
grow older by the minute.
I believe in my whole heart that Big E. deserves a
shot at a childhood; at Barbies. At tea parties, and dress up, and sleep overs,
and sugar highs, and kisses, cookies, and sneaking out of her room on Christmas
morning to look under the twinkling tree. She deserves all of that, sin has
left her without a mom and a dad and that SUCKS; but she deserves a shot. More importantly, she has, just as great as
anyone else, a need to learn about Jesus.
She needs to know of His healing, of His grace and
love. She needs to know that even though she will have a mother and
father who won’t ever leave her; even greater than that, she has an eternal father who
has NEVER left her.
So there you have it folks, my thoughts on the
subject. I don’t assume everyone will agree and THAT’S OKAY! Please remember
I’m not saying EVERYONE should adopt an older child, but I am saying you could. I’m also not saying that every adoption we do (or don't do, who knows) from here on out will be an older child. If I had it my way I'd still love to adopt an infant from the states, a toddler from a distant land, and about 17 kids in-between scattered across the globe.
I just think we do ourselves a disservice by ruling out the possibility of loving an older child from the get go. I wonder, if maybe, if we would stretch ourselves just a tiny bit we could see light shining in a whole new way.
In almost every blog I've followed to date there seems to be a "lull" in posting. A time when, it would seem, everyone going through adoption faces a time where they just don't know what to write. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how many times I've sat to blog and just blanked. Not necessarily because I have nothing to say, but sometimes I don't know where to start. It's like we boarded this emotional rollercoaster without knowing how long we will be on it. Sometimes you are high on top of the world breezing down with the wind in your face, and sometimes you are climbing slowly but surely upwards. Paperwork slows down, trails ensue, and you realize the road ahead of you really is a long one. Just like a real roller coaster it's full of laughter excitement, tears (yes, I've cried on roller coasters, sue me) and fears.
Seems like I've been in that "funk" for awhile, and though I hope that picks up soon (wink wink STAY TUNED) I thought I'd write a quick post with some words I've found encouraging to me during our adoption.
Perhaps they can encourage you too, adopting or not. You see, every one of you following our journey might not be adopting but you are AIDING an adoption. YOU are helping a family who wants more children, and a child who wants a family find each other, and that sweet friends is a beautiful thing.
The longest journey of any person, is the journey inward.
-Unknown
Pray, hope and don’t worry. Anxiety doesn’t help at all. Our merciful Lord will listen to your prayer.
-Saint Padre Pio
Stop telling God how big your storm is- Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is.
-Unknown
And lastly, but so sweetly and perfectly a poem written from the heart of one mom and felt by the heart of another.
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that’s how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are, what’s taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze, let it touch your skin
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I’m doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you’ll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."
---Derek Loux
Last night at Church we had a guest speaker named Leonce Crump. I don't know much of his testimony, but I know he is a former NFL player and atheist who is now a pastor of a Church plant in Georgia. He opened the sermon up with this one simple thought. A thought very simple, but extremely complex:
"In life we are guaranteed two things, suffering and salvation. Suffering and salvation."
As I sat there and listened to him unpack 2 Timothy, I couldn't help but realize how deeply those words hit me.
When you follow the Lord and his will, it isn't always easy. In fact, it can be downright brutal. Look back to the first followers of Jesus, I mean Peter was crucified upside down and Paul was believed to be BOILED ALIVE. What makes us think we shouldn't have to follow with the same intensity and risk as them?
I don't know why, but for some reason I've always thought I would/should be exempt from suffering. Selfish, I know. Call me crazy, but I'd really prefer not to be boiled alive if at all possible. I avoid suffering like the plauge. I always have. This adoption is, of course, no exception.
In fact I foolishly believed that I shouldn't HAVE to suffer during the adoption. That instead my road should be lined with raining money and singing sugar plumb fairies fanning me as I go. My rationale was that if I was following Gods will by adopting, that in turn the road should be smooth and stress free.
Laughable actually.
Unexpected bills, unexpected bumps in the road, unexpected delays, unexpected trials, unexpected tears and sleepless nights. So many things that have been unexpected.
Look closer at that word though, unexpected. Unexpected.
It's simple really. So many of the problems we've had have been made worse by our unwillingness to suffer. If we had only suited up properly before entering this adoption-knowing there would be trials and tribulations, had we only acknowledged (instead of avoiding) that fighting for these children comes with immense work, crazy financial stress, and unimaginable problems, than maybe we would be a better picture of what it means to suffer well.
Friends, we haven't ALWAYS suffered well on this journey. I pray that we will so that even in trials we would be a light to the world. It isn't always easy. I'll tell you this, the adoption journey has made me acutely aware of my sin and my need for a savior.
We have, on more than one occasion, almost let the stress consume us. We've argued, we've panicked, we've worried about money, we've questioned and we've doubted. Instead of working with an attitude of joy for the salvation to come, we've often worked as though we have a weight too large to carry. We've complained about the hard work it takes to do all of this stuff, and while we have overall been very joyful and hopefull about our journey, there are times it has been hard.
While my flesh does NOT want to suffer, my soul needs Jesus more than my flesh needs comfort. I need all of him, in every area of my life. If that means I am only guaranteed suffering and salvation in life, I'll take it. Jesus literally fought to the death for me, and I will not disgrace him by my own selfish unwillingness to suffer. We are committed to fighting for this child, for our child.
My friends, it's time for me to suit up. From here on out I refuse to ignore that this is battle. It is often said that adoption is not for the faint of heart, and I've never believed that so much as I do right now. I know that more bills will roll in, more things will break, there are sure to be many more unexpected's and more trials. After all, this is war. A war that I am honored beyond belief to be a part of. I've learned more about myself since starting our adoption journey than I have in any other event in my life.
The road may be long and rugged, but every step brings me closer to Jesus and closer to our baby. That, my friends, is worth fighting for.
In Other News:
We have to be honest for a minute. After losing the twins, and some other unexpected set backs, we were really starting to feel burnt out. We have been pretty unfaithful and negative the past few weeks and it was really starting to show to others I think. We were not an example of faithful suffering for sure. However, despite our faithlessness God remained steadfast and loving. Some friends of ours did more than help us out financially, they renewed our hope and gave us strength again. Our wonderful friends had their very own "secret" garage sale for us only one week before OUR garage sale! Seriously, how amazing is that?! Who does stuff like that!? There I was complaining about how much work garage sales are to them while the had to bite their lip to not spill the beans that they already had one!
The point is, despite our faithlessness God didn't give us what we deserved-but instead blessed us with two amazing garage sales. Thank God for his Grace.
Overall we raised around $1700 between the two garage sales and donations. That BLOWS my mind. Thank you to all of you who donated, shopped, prayed, or shared our garage sale events. Pretty spectacular! It's laughable now, but the night before and the early morning of our garage sale was a hot mess. I spent two days making signs for the garage sale. See how pretty they were?
Sigh.
That was before the sprinklers turned on and got to them. RIP, beautiful marker signs. Your replacements were ghetto and not nearly as beautiful as you.
It was also my brilliant idea to move some furniture out the night before so that there was just little bit less to do the morning of. It would have been a good idea had it not started dumping buckets of rain at 3 am. I woke up, ran out of the house looking like something out of a horror film while I pushed furniture back into the garage with no shoes on.
I get myself into some interesting situations, I'll tell you that.
All in all it was fantastic though! Through our garage sale, garage sale donations, and our friends and their super-secret garage sale we raised almost $1700.00
The Lord is good, and so are the people he has used to bless us on our journey! Thank you to all of you who donated, shopped, or helped with the garage sale, and a special thanks to our friends who did their own garage sale like it was nothing. Way to handle the stress better than us!
Our next fundraising effort will most likely be a craft fair this fall for Scrunch Nose Sews. Stay tuned, you just never know what ideas I'll come up with, especially if I learn to not be afraid of suffering :)
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