Ten months ago, God said “Go!” and so, we did. We knew that
the Lord would be good to provide along the way, however that looked. We just knew the calling to this was strong,
and the rest was secondary to that. Whatever the road before us held, we were jumping in.
While it is clear to me now that there is MUCH we did not know about the journey ahead of us; what stands out to me most as I look back is that we had no idea what it felt like to let others share our load. We, as people, are not used to this and we are not good at this naturally. We are strong men,
or independent women, and we don’t *need* the help of others.
In this particular journey, we had no choice but to reach out for help, and BOY HOWDY! We had no idea what it would feel like to be a part of a
community that wrapped its arms and prayers so tightly around us.
Friends, family, STRANGERS, people from all over the world
have come together to help two VERY REGULAR PEOPLE (who often don’t have a clue
what they are doing) bring home a child from half way around the world. That
blows my mind.
There are no words to describe the humility that comes with
accepting others hard earned money. No one has owed us anything. Not one person
has had any reason that they would be forced to come alongside of us. Yet time after time, miracle after miracle…it kept happening.
Dollar by dollar, day by day, our community was carrying us.
There are times where it has been terrifying; there have been times where I
literally believed it was impossible.
However, here we are, 10 months later with only $5,500.00 to
go. I’ve watched miracles unfold in front of my very eyes, and I’ve wept at the
generosity of others more times than I can count on my hands. Every time my
soul begins to feel weak, I can look back and see that God brought someone
alongside of us to fill us back up.
There really are no words to sum up this feeling in my chest. It's gratitude, it's humility, it's unknown.
What I can say about it is this-
Though the road has been long, and weary at times. It has
been rich and full. It has been loving, caring, warm, friendly, loyal and
blessed. If I think about how many people have invested in us, without expecting
ANYTHING in return, I just get the chills. Even as I type this, stories flood
into my mind, one after another merging together into the face of Esther.
Friends, families, and strangers are the reason we stand
here today.
Jesus, is the reason we stand here today.
We are absolutely incapable to out give God, He is gracious,
righteous, steadfast, stable, lovely, merciful, gracious, rich in blessings and
splendor. He has used hundreds of people on this road to carry us.
He is our rock. He is amazing. He is good.
Most recently we were blessed to be the featured family of
the week on Give1Save1. Today, only day 5 of 7, it has brought into our family the
blessing of $2,225.00. My heart swells to think of
how beautiful it’s been to watch, yet again, our community come to our aid.
This has been a time of great joy for us.
Sadly, today, something tragic happened in our country; something
that has brought great sorrow and great pain. Pain that I cannot for the life
of me begin to understand or relate to; it hurts to much to even think about
it.
Today, a gunman walked into a school and killed 20 children
and 6 adults. Today, we saw just one of the many pictures the world paints of
our longing for a savior and a King like Jesus. Today we are full of despair at our own helplessness.
If I speak in the tongues[a]of men
or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging
cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecyand
can fathom all mysteriesand all knowledge,and if
I have a faiththat can move mountains,but do
not have love, I am nothing.If I give all I possess to the poorand
give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b]but do
not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
This verse, among many, has always stood out to me on our
journey as a motivation to love the orphan and persevere Today, though, it reminds me
that we have been loved much, and as such I want our love to spill over.
Friends, we have 2 full days and 3 nights left with
Give1Save1. At the suggestion of my husband with a heart for Jesus, we have
decided we would like to turn over our request for donations to OUR cause, to
the cause of these families in great pain; to the cause of the families who are going
through, what I can only imagine to be one of the worst pains in the world. We
would like for all donations now through Sunday to be given directly to the
victims families to assist with burial costs and other costs for their sweet little ones.
I wish we could hand the reigns over to a cause full of more
joy, but the reality of the world is that it is broken. It is lost and dark and
even if we don’t see it daily like we did today, it is full of evil and
heartache.
We are called to be a light to the world. To be the hands
and feet of Jesus, and we really feel this is what He would have us do.
So please, friends, if you had been considering blessing us
financially through Give1Save1 this week, THANK YOU! Your hearts are the heart I long for, but please consider blessing these families suffering immensely
instead.
Give1Save1.com will have the details on how to do this
tomorrow morning.
In the mean time pray. Pray for the families who will never
again tuck their children into bed, or stroke their hair, or hear sweet gentle
giggles. Pray for the families of the shooter as well who must be carrying the weight of the world around right now. Pray for the thousands of kisses, lost, and the millions of hopes crushed. Pray for Connecticut.
Pray for the injustices and heartache of children
everywhere, not just today. Pray for the Light of the World to shine into the
hearts of the world, because it is the only real solution to this all.
Wowza ya'll. That's all I've got to say. Wowza. They don't mess around over at Give1Save1, and apparently neither do YOU! If you haven't seen our video yet...please go see it! Click THIS LINK BELOW to watch our video and have access to share on facebook and donate directly.
Wow guys, I cannot even BELIEVE how good God is! Oh me of little, weak faith! Things have been crazy around here ever since my beautiful trip to Africa to meet our sweet Essie-Potatoes. I've been missing her so much that I haven't really always had the time or energy to blog. What can I say other than how long this road feels, or how much I want our daughter home?
What is incredible about God though is that He is constantly moving. He is always providing for us on this journey, even when we don't have the energy to do anything but sit back and wait.
So, on to the huge blessing.
On a whim last week I sent an email to Stephanie over at www.give1save1.com (if you haven't heard of it GO CHECK IT OUT!) I shared with her our story, our struggles, and that we were approaching - hopefully - the finish line to bringing our daughter home. She quickly told me that if I got a video in to her soon that she would try to feature us on the website.
"WHAT?! SERIOUSLY!" Is all I could say. I'm a bit of a www.give1save1.com groupie, so I might have been WAY too excited about this. So for TWO DAYS STRAIGHT I made this video, the whole time thinking "no way this will be good enough to be on there" have you SEEN the videos of families on there?
Regardless, I made a video and sent it off. Later that day I heard back that we would be the next weeks featured family (so I did this while no one was watching)
And then sat back in awe of Gods blessings to us throughout this journey.
Seriously, I could just cry.
I remember the start of this all, when $22,000 (that was the original goal before the country change) seemed like this mountain we could never climb. It almost felt suffocating at times really, but yet somehow here we are.
An estimated $7500 away from being DEBT FREE on this adoption journey.
THANK YOU JESUS!
THANK YOU FRIENDS!
So, what does Give1Save1 have to do with this all?
Everything my sweet friends. Everything.
When I first started this journey I remember thinking to myself "If EVERYONE just pitched in one dollar, we could help families from everywhere bring home their babies. How great would that be?"
Little did I know Give1Save1 exists to do just that.
Each week a family is featured, and each week, you are asked to give $1.00
JUST $1.00
This is a beautiful thing. This is about community. This is about being the village that it takes to get these kids home. This is about carrying burdens as a whole, as a body of Christ.
I simply love it.
So here is the scoop.
We would LOVE for this to be our LAST FUNDRAISER. Bold? I know. Possible? ABSOLUTELY!
What we need from you, and from everyone around, is to SHARE OUR VIDEO. Let's make this thing, our story, and most importantly GODS STORY go viral! Ask people watching to consider donating $1.00.
People say to me all of the time "I can't give just $1.00!" But YES, you CAN! And we can bring home Esther together with the spare change of the world. Can you think of anything more incredible?
So please friends, this only works and is successful if people donate $1.00 at a time, and share. We need 7,500 people to see this video and each pitch in a buck.
Or 4 quarters, or 10 dimes, WHATEVER!
Tomorrow we will have a link for you all with a 4 minute video that we would be honored if you would share.
Friends, we are blessed beyond measure to have so many of you walking alongside of us, it is a totally humbling experience. Tonight at Church our pastor was talking about how we have NO light in us,but like the moon reflecting the sun, we are a reflection of the light. I hope that we have done a good job being a reflection of the light of Christ, and not of ourselves.
We are a part of this adoption, because we believe that it is God's heart and His calling for us, and we are blessed beyond measure to have you all caring so much about us, about our daughter, and about Gods calling for us.
Happy thanksgiving friends and family. To everyone who has supported us financially, emotionally, and prayerfully. We appreciate it, and this thanksgiving we are thankful for YOU.
I am thankful for people who support us. It blows my mind the grace, love, and blessings we've received over the past year. We are SO thankful. We are so blessed.
I am thankful for my handsome husband. I missed him so much while gone, and I am so thankful for his loving hand that guides our family.
I am thankful for my first born. Eva Grace. She fills my days with joy, and my heart with laughter. She might be the little girl who is literally made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I am thankful for the gift of being a stay at home mom, because my days of filled with her.
I am thankful for my Essie. My sweet, beautiful, spunky, sassy Essie. She is smart, funny, charming, and clever. I am thankful that she is so capable, that she is so able to do anything. She can be anything, do anything, become anything, she is a very bright child. I am thankful for the road that has led me to her, and for the road that will bring her home soon (I hope!)
I am mostly thankful for my Savior. For Christ crucified, if you think of our story, and you DON'T think of Jesus first we aren't doing our job.
"I can't make a real need matter to me by listening to the story, visiting the website, collecting information, or wearing the bracelet about it. I need to pick the fight myself, to call it out. Then, most important of all, I need to run barefoot toward it. But I want to go barefoot because it's holy ground; I want to be running because time is short and none of us has as much runway as we think we do; and I want it to be a fight because that's where we can make a difference. That's what LOVE DOES.
-Bob Goff
The first time I met Esther was a day I will never forget. It is forever etched in my brain as part of my redemption story, and hopefully a part of hers. It was a beautiful mess in every way. I wrote about meeting her that very night, while my emotions were still so very raw. While the gravity of her pain, and the truth of our story was saturated deep within me. I’d like to share it with you.
As I look around me, soaking up colors and sounds at every turn I stand in awe. There is no separation of affluence and poverty here, they are welded together everywhere you look. A house with a tennis courts stands proudly by a home with a blanket for a door that can’t be much larger than my living room. I am not sure how to feel about anything. How have I lived in this world so long and never been able to truly see? How is it possible that Africa has always seemed so far away on a map, so distant from our own realities; when this place is so real, when I can feel it’s heart beating? As I stand on the cobblestones, with the sun beating on my back, I don’t feel a world away, I feel only a stones throw.
It’s incredible here, and intrigues me so. Women walked by with baskets heavier than I could ever carry placed so perfectly on top of their heads-as if it’s nothing at all-and I am awed by their beauty and grace. Chickens and goats scamper by on the roads. The sounds from the cars and the music playing everywhere are lighting to stage for the bright colors and dresses, and buildings all around. The traffic moves quickly with no rhyme or reason; yet somehow it all seems to work together as though one big moving piece.
The people I meet incredible. They are gracious, kind, and so real. Everyone I pass says “hello, how are you today,” and I actually believe that they care. There is this red African dust that blankets things all around me, and try as they do to contain it, it’s everywhere. Boda Bodas zip by constantly, and it takes me awhile to remind myself how far from home I actually am. Though it’s nothing like home, there is something familiar here that I just can’t put my finger on.
As I am thinking about all of this we turn a corner and make our way up the half-cobbled-half-dirt road that will lead me to Esther for the first time. My heart began to race and my palms were clammy. The reality of our journey is starting to sink in, in a way that it never had before. I was thousands of miles from home and I was here to adopt a child, a child I would meet for the first time shortly. A child I already loved-but in reality knew nothing of, and she knew nothing of me.
Intellectually I know all about adoption, intellectually I know what to expect. Intellectually I know that it’s a beautiful mess. My mind knows this all, but I am not sure my heart grasps the gravity of it all. No books can ever prepare you for something like this.
When we arrived all of the children were napping, so I was told that when Esther came home from school we would have a good few hours to ourselves. This thrilled me and added to the nervousness. Time seemed to drag until she arrived.
She and I had been waiting for this moment for a long time, but only I knew it was coming. She knew that I was coming, but not that it was going to be today. When she walked into the room to people from all around her began shouting, “your mommy Esther, your mommy!”
I’ll never forget how fragile and small she looked as I locked eyes with her for a brief second before she passed my eyes by. Her clothes were beginning to tatter, but she had taken care to neatly tuck her shirt into her shorts. She was so much smaller than I imagined her to be, she was so innocent and young, just a child standing in a doorway confused and slightly afraid.
She had looked all around the room, but though she saw me and our eyes met, they passed me by. She had no idea what was happening, I walked up to her slowly and she became overwhelmed. I leaned down and said softly, “hi, it’s so good to finally meet you,” I reached for her giving her a big hug. She very hesitantly hugged back, but she was unsure of me and that much was obvious. We made our way to the couch where we sat for awhile. The home mamas were speaking to her, urging her to say things like “I love you mommy!” “I’m so glad you’re here mommy!” “I’ve been waiting mommy!”
And while all of these were true, she just couldn’t seem to speak. Who could blame her? She was doing her best to process the million emotions running through her mind-as was I. Meeting the mother you’ve only had in your dreams for the first time is more than any child should have to process. I imagine it comes with great joy and great sorrow for the things lost.
Her defenses in that moment were to zone out. She stared blankly at the small TV in the corner while I sat next to her, unsure of what to do next.
For just a brief second I found myself getting discouraged. Despite the warnings I’d received from other moms who have adopted older children, despite hearing that it isn’t all a fairy tale when you first meet, I suppose that I had wanted her to run right into my arms, and for us live happily ever after. My heart felt almost too heavy for my chest to hold. My mind was foggy and dull. My breath was short and shallow. I had no idea what to do next. Looking back I know now that I could never have prepared for this moment.
I began to pray, begging God for direction from here. Lord tell me what to do! Tell me what to say! Lord you’ve brought me here, guide my steps! Quickly my heart began to change as God whispered to me, reminding me of how He had pursued me lovingly and gently for years before I received Him. It was then I decided to let her talk to me and take me in slowly, and on her terms.
At that moment I truly began to truly pursue her.
She was quickly offered lunch and sat down on the floor in front of the TV, not looking at me at all. Nervously, I sat down next to her and began to rub her back while she ate. Not saying too much, but sometimes whispering softly things like “we love you,” “you are special,” “you are desired.”
After awhile I got out the phone and asked if she wanted to see a picture of her room. She nodded quickly, and as I showed her a picture of her room she smiled for the first time. We looked at pictures and videos for some time and she began to snuggle in closer to me. Still not speaking, but not wanting me to leave her side either.
We played for a good hour on my phone. It seemed to offer some good middle ground, and eventually she started speaking. Slowly at first, but hearing her voice come out from the shadows was magical. Once she had started talking, it wasn’t long until she whispered softly in my ear, “take me home to my sister and my daddy” with a tear in her eye.
For the first time she was opening up, she was allowed herself to be vulnerable, to show me a glimpse of her pain. I realized finally that she wanted to be loved so very much, but after all of this time without love- she didn’t know how to receive it.
She eventually curled right up to me in a corner of the room and colored on my phone. I rubbed her back the whole time and we talked on occasion. She was still rather quiet, but I knew she was opening up. She was letting her walls down slowly.
After a few hours she took a risk and decided to show me her homework, I think in an effort to attest to her worth. She pulled out a pile of paper that was wrapped with old newspaper for a binding and curled up to me, making sure I was paying close attention.
I can’t say for certain, but one of the mamas and I believe it was as though she thought if she wasn’t “good enough” maybe I would change my mind. She needed (or told herself she did at least) to prove herself. She started to write numbers 1,2,3,4 and so on. She did very well until the 30’s where she began to get confused. She would write 1-3, 2-3 instead of 31, 32 and so on. I wouldn’t have pointed it out, because I could tell she was getting flustered, but one of the mama’s who helps her with her school work kept kindly correcting and asking her to try again. After a few times of this happening she became frustrated, she felt she was failing me. I tried to reassure her that we knew she was smart, but that it doesn’t matter anyways because we love her.
That seemed to start the tears; she began to cry softly into my lap wiping her tears on her dress that was 4 times too big. I picked her up and began to rock her, she cried herself to sleep in my lap; and even in her sleep she sobbed. I rubbed her softly and whispered to her that she was loved.
It was the most incredible image of God’s adoption I’ve ever seen. We come to Him, broken in pieces, trying to prove our worth, and when we fail we have no choice but to crawl into the lap of our father and weep while we grieve.
Her pain, as well as her joy, were very real that day-and so were mine.
When she woke up not too long after realizing she had fallen asleep, she decided to stay on my lap awhile. Perhaps she found that she rather liked it there. She began to really look me over, inspect the person who would soon be mommy, and when she found the Proverbs 31 tattoo on my wrist she began trying to rub it off, even licking her finger to remove it, and I laughed.
After that one of the mama’s suggested I take her outside to a new environment to play. We walked out of the doors holding hands and I saw the Esther from all the pictures and videos come to laugh.
She was so funny, so smart, and so playful. She was so wonderful.
We only had a few minutes of play time until the other children began to wake up, or get up from quiet time. Slowly, one by one, they began coming out of the doors, excited to see another Muzongo Mom there to play with. Children began crawling on my lap, playing with my hair, and vying for my attention. I did my best to love each of them, but it’s so hard to do when you are trying to bond with your child one-on-one as well.
We played games while I watched the very same joy and pain come from many of the children. As one child ran around laughing hysterically, another would come to me weeping, needing to be held. Many of them covered in their own urine or feces. I did my best to love each of them, to tell each of them that they were special, because they are. Every single one of them, I instantly loved them all.
Esther, being one of the older children, introduced me to many of the kids so I could begin to take pictures for each of the mothers to show one day. Esther and I held hands as we marched around chasing each of the children until they either jumped into your arms for a hug, or laughed wildly and whole heartedly.
Beautiful as the home is, loving as the mamas are, and as close as they all are I couldn’t shake this thought from my mind: no child should be growing up here, no child should be growing up without a mother and a father. How do we live in a world where this happens and we don’t care? Why aren’t we crying out to God to bring healing to these children?
A little later Esther and I had a chance to talk in the corner for a few minutes alone, and she kept repeating, “take me home to my sister, take me home to my daddy today.” As much as the mamas love her, and they TRULY do, she knows this is not where she belongs. It took all of a few hours for her to give me her heart, not all of it of course, but her need for a mother quickly outweighed her fears. In a matter of only hours I went from being a mother of one, to a mother of an American Sweetheart, and an African Princess.
She is my daughter, all that awaits us now is the paperwork saying so. In my heart she couldn’t be any more my family, and it happened just like that; in one great-big, beautiful, messy, unexpected and slightly clumsy first meeting.
It was an incredibly beautiful thing.
It was an incredibly difficult thing, I’ve never felt a load so hard to hold.
Being there for the first time was something I’ll never forget. I realized that day that I will forever advocate for the fatherless, this is a part of God’s plan for me, and for our family.
Though the day was filled with joy and glimpses of the beautiful redemption to come, it was also filled with pain. Anger at myself for wasting so much of my life, sorrow at the injustices children live with around the world daily, frustration that I have no idea how to make people truly care, and confusion why someone like me had been called to this journey.
As day drew to an end I felt my emotional bank depleting. I was running on fumes and prayers from home. I’d seen pictures of the home, of the children, and I knew their plights. But as I’ve since told TeJay, you can’t see the hunger for love in the pictures; you can’t smell the sorrow and the weight of the home full of children but void of mothers and fathers.
You can’t see it, because you don’t take pictures of the children who break into sobs for no reason at all. You don’t video the child eating rocks and grass and paper out of hunger. You don’t broadcast a video of you holding a child wetting themselves right in your arms.
You simply cannot feel the burden of the orphan in a photograph. You might catch a glimpse, but the reality of it all goes much deeper than film. The home is heavy, and this load is hard to carry.
Why me God? I found myself asking when I was unable to wash the emotions off of me. I’m not strong enough for this; I’m not capable of this! My heart aches too much! I can’t CARRY this load alone. I’m not strong enough to be here!
Then I heard Him whisper back,
Neither are these children, they aren’t strong enough to be there either.
You see, after 9 months of waiting, I had finally made it to our baby. I thought the battle was halfway through, but now I know it has hardly begun. I saw immediately I couldn’t fix her. I can walk her through her pain, and hold her hand, but the injustices she’s endured she will have to eventually give to God much like she did to me early on. She will try to prove her worth, feel knocked down, and have to crawl into the arms of her eternal father who has always been with her, even when I wasn’t.
I cannot say what I will feel when I have to leave her here. I imagine I’ll quickly be able to wash the beautiful African dust off my hands, but I imagine I’ll never be able to wash it, or its people off of my heart.
This place is now a part of me, and I of it.
11-8-12
It's been 2 days since I've been home. I'm doing okay adjusting, but I can't get the trip, the people, and the children out of my mind. I woke my darling Eva up yesterday morning with a kiss and a hug from her bed and my heart sunk and pounded with anger at the thought of how she would be if she had to grow up in that home, at the thought that only one of my daughters is where she belongs, while the other spends day after day without her mother and father their to guide her.
The weeks and months until we bring our Essie home will be long. We need prayer to keep going. Leaving her there was the hardest thing I've done, maybe ever. My sweet Essie longs to go with me like nothing else in the world. She would have literally run from those doors and never looked back if I had told her we could go.
I'll blog more about the incredible people, the amazing believers, and my simply wonderful trip when I've had more time to decompress. Until then please keep praying. We have some big choices and big things coming up that we need prayer over. Continue to pray our girl home please, I cannot stand to have her so far away with my hands tied. Please continue to pray for the financial aspect as well, as it looks more and more like we will need to get an apartment and stay a month (or possibly more) next time as we go to court and await all of the other clearances needed to bring her home. We need around $8,000 to make it all possible.
My heart is heavy and I don't know where I feel like I am anymore. I am back in my home, but I've left so much of myself 10,000 miles away.
Thank you SO much for the people who prayed for our trip daily. It was sometimes the only fuel my mom and I had to run on.
This journey has found a way to change me from the inside out. God has taken a thought the size of a seed, and stretched it into a blanket big enough to care for our daughter. Without him, without you, this would have all been just a dream.
If there is one thing I've learned since the start of our journey it's this-adoption is never black and white.
It's joy and it's sorrow. It's beauty and it's pain.
It's redemption with a cost.
"She's so lucky."
I hear these words so, so often. By friends, family, heck, I imagine I've even said it to others before. It's not a negative thing to say, it's not an ignorant thing to say, no not at all. It's just that since adoption is a two sided coin, that phrase doesn't do the whole picture justice. It's only showing one piece of it all.
Yes, God led a family to her, and us to her. That is lucky, that is great, that is fantastic. I hope she loves our home, I hope she feels loved and *lucky*. I hope she feels desired, special, cherished, loved and thankful that a family found her, and that she found a family.
I hope all of those things. She is, in a sense, lucky.
The reason the "she's so lucky" pill never seems to go down easy for me... is because in such a very real sense...she's not. She's not lucky, in fact, I cannot imagine most Americans would eagerly take her place.
What is lucky about becoming an orphan? What is lucky about losing a mom and a dad? What on earth is LUCKY about that? What is lucky about the very real pain she has, and the very real hurts she will have forever?
What is lucky about lonely nights and kiss-less mornings? What is lucky about having no one in your life to make you your favorite breakfast in the morning, or tell you how beautiful you are every day?
What is lucky about the millions of children in the world going to bed hungry every night here on our own soil and afar? What is lucky about children dying of treatable and PREVENTABLE disease every single day?
What in the world is lucky about that?
If anyone in this story is lucky, friends, it's us. God has used this journey to shape us, and though it's been painful, I can see fruit rising. Not only that, but we get our daughter at the end of this journey. The girl whom everyone says is destined to do great things. The girl who can light a room with her smile. She is radiant, she is brilliant, she is lovely, she is ours. Or at least I pray she will be so very soon. Legally and forever our daughter.
Yes, friends. If there is anyone lucky in this story, we are the lucky ones.
Finances and Progress
Friends we are about $8,000 from having our adoption PAID FOR! (Of course assuming nothing else major arises What started off as an estimated $20,000 adventure has grown to a $35,000 adventure...in official bills only. It seems like every week something else is coming up for $20.00 bucks here, $100.00 there, all out of pocket. While things are tight around the Harvey household I cannot even tell you how much it blows my mind how provided and protected we have been on this journey.
We've fundraised, we've sold everything we own of value, we received incredibly generous donations, and we've prayed like crazy.
All of that pales to the fact that we serve a loving, merciful, and wonderful God. He blesses us when we do not deserve to be blessed at all.
The Lord has so graciously provided over $22,000 in 9 months. That BLOWS my mind, though it really shouldn't. This is the God of the universe after all My goodness how I love him. My goodness how He LOVES me.
It has always been our prayer that we end this story with as little debt, or better yet, no debt at all. I really think we can do it! Would you join us in prayer for the next few months? Just because I am travelling to Africa doesn't mean the war is over...in all honesty it's just begun.
I have a feeling the ride is about to get bumpier than ever. Even though it's looking like we won't be home before Christmas (pretty much what every adoptive family prays for) I am praying we get her home soon. Not sooner than God's will, but as soon as possible. I want my baby home.
Pray we can wrap up the financial end so we don't have to borrow any money.
Pray for the evil one to have no power in this process.
Pray for the people working on our case. That their hands and hearts would work well with God's plans.
Pray for our family.
Pray for travel mercies.
Pray for us like never before, because, folks, I'm going to AFRICA!
WHAT!? So crazy, I couldn't be more excited. There are times I am worried or nervous, but that will be a post for another day when I have more time. The Lord has really been working on my heart lately to expose to to knew things and knew depths of love than I could have ever imagined myself knowing before. Again, a post for another day soon. Probably when I come back.
Before then, I wanted to share something FUN, and budget friendly (because we are obviously not rolling in the dough right now) I'm not an expert designer by any means, but I love how it turned out.
What am I talking about?
Big E.'s room of course!
I was desperate to give her a space unique, beautiful, and a representation of how much we love and want HER. I wanted it to be everything SHE wanted, while fitting my picky bill of decor (ask my husband, that's hard to do!) With her love of red and yellow paired with her taste for all-things-girly, I decided I was going for a whimsical/princess/romantic red and yellow theme.
I began a search on the internet and found TONS of options I loved, but only one problem...picky taste often times equals high price tags!
We just couldn't spend more than a few hundred dollars on everything, so I put my thinking cap on and got to praying and pinching pennies. Though I imagine I'll add a few more pops of red and yellow as awesome things catch my eye, it's basically done and I am proud to give her this space.
TA-DA! What do you think, fabulous right?
So here is how we did it.
The bed frame was DONATED to us, yes you heard me right, the princess frame was DONATED so the total cost for the frame was around $10.00 for new hardware.
I made the bedding myself (duh) and the pillow completely out of scraps of minky, binding and fabric I had left over, so the pillow was free and the bedding was just supplies.
The yellow curtains were a fabric steal at $3.00 a yard. I made the bed skirt out of some OLD curtains we had.
(up-cycle, up-cycle!)
The dresser was an auction find that used to look...a lot less enchanting. Add one talented hubby, a can of stain and VIOLA! A beautiful dresser and mirror for less $65.00
The chair, lamp and picture in the mirror we had. I made the flower vase for $2.00 from Wal-Mart (those ugly flowers they have CAN be put to good use) the vintage books were an Etsy find for $1.50, and the awesome Africa lunchbox was a gift from my sister-in-law.
The molding was actually free from our neighbors when they moved out, all we needed was white paint which I got 50% off at Wal-Mart for $4.00.
The fantastic tree decal? $5.00 on amazon. I kid you not. JAW-FLOOR, I know. It's is a pain to assemble as it isn't super sticky, but for $5.00 WHO CARES?!
So there, you have it! Design on an adoption friendly dime =)
Will I post again before I leave for my adventure?
19 days until one of the biggest adventures of my life, my first of TWO trips to Africa. So much to do, so many things still needed to fall in place. I am really trying to be present with my family HERE until I leave but there is so much to do! I am so afraid to leave Eva for so long. My heart aches to think of it. Adoption is HARD. We need lots of prayer for the financial pieces, the documentation, and the logistics to all come together. We come so far financially (praise The Lord!) but just because things are moving quickly now, doesn't mean we have all that we need. The boat is STILL for sale, and we must continue fundraising. There is still over 10,000 to go! TeJay and I really wanted to thank everyone who has personally, financially, and prayfully, invested in this journey. So many of you have made huge sacrifices not just for us, but as a mission to pursue Jesus. To support adoption. We have NOT forgotten this, all this would only be a dream and totally IMPOSSIBLE without you. We moved so many mountains on this road, and though we have the biggest ones yet ahead, I am so thankful for the love of friends, family and strangers! It is amazing to watch God provide and love us through his people.
Thank you to everyone who has pledged and committed to helping one less. One less lonely heart, one less motherless daughter, one more daddy's girl.
One less.
Though I wish I could post where I am headed to, or updates of our journey when there, you'll have to wait awhile. There probably won't be too many updates on this trip.
I am hopeful that while there we can push for our case to get filed and request a court date soon. We want our girl HOME!!! Also, please pray for protection while traveling, as many of you know I can't even find my way around the city I've lived in my whole life (that's why I married TeJay!!) and I've never done any real traveling. So thankful my mom is coming with me! Please, pray, pray, pray! I am STILL hosting the auction the first few days of November to help cover I travel costs of flight, and hotel.
We've been doing a series at Church on Galatians about fighting for Grace. Fighting to remember that Grace is FREE, that we do NOTHING to earn salvation by our own goodness. We can't, becuase on our own-we aren't good. We might think we're good (and by human standards you can easily use that argument) but we aren't perfect, and that is what God demands of us. Perfection. Because of that, God alone is responsible for his mercies on us. Though we are called to obey God, our obedience isn't what earned us favor with God, Jesus' obedience was. Though the law is not evil, actually, far from it, it is not the law that saves. It's Grace.
My pastor used, what I believe to be, one of the best analogies I've ever heard in reference to the law and grace. (excuse me while I paraphrase and hopefully not butcher his intentions)
He said, imagine you are walking down the road. Somehow you fall into this hole. When you hit the bottom you break both of your legs, your arms and something happens to your vocal chords to where your voice is gone. You can't walk, you can't crawl, you can't even cry out for help. You are an immobile prisoner in this hole.
Someone comes along and presents a perfectly sturdy ladder, and places it in the hole telling you to climb your way out. There is nothing wrong with this ladder, it's solidly-made, beautiful, and would most certainly help you out of the hole...if you were able to climb it.
But you can't. I can't. Because we are broken. The law is the ladder. The law isn't flawed or evil, but it can't get you out of that hole. You need someone to come in and rescue you.
The rescuer is grace. The rescuer is Jesus.
I found myself in love with the analogy, I made a mental note of it for when I share the Gospel-but still felt as though I didn't need this series. I KNOW grace was a free gift.
I know in the depths of my soul that I am sinner with a great need of a savior. I've done horrible things. Given the right time, circumstance, and situation I would do despicable things, and I know that. Jesus not only saved me from my past, he saved me from my future without him. Without Jesus I have no hope.
With Jesus I have promise, I have a future, I have GRACE.
I KNOW I am saved by Grace. I believe in the love of Grace so much that we gave Eva that as a middle name. We love grace in this house.
No, we aren't afraid of works, works aren't bad (in fact, the Lord commands them!) but, they aren't what save us. We work BECAUSE we have been saved, as a response to Grace. We do not work TO be saved. Just as faith without works is dead (James 2:14); good works without faith futile (John 15:4-5)
What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
-James 2:14
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself;it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
-John 15:4-5
So, what does this have to do with adoption?
Nothing and everything.
It's strange, but I've found myself thinking about grace a lot lately. Asking myself what my motives are for the things I'm doing in my life.
"It all comes down to your heart Ashleigh, are you serving Jesus TO be saved, or are you serving Jesus BECAUSE you're saved? Big difference Ash. One crushes the soul, the other free's it."
You see, as much as I KNOW grace is what saves me, as much as I KNOW grace is what frees me; time and time again I shackle myself up in the chains of the law. TIME and TIME again.
Did you know, when we first started this journey I ACTUALLY prayed to God saying something like this....
"Lord I know you are a merciful and loving father. I know you are leading us down this path and that it will take tremendous faith in you. Lord, I plead you to go ahead of us on the journey, I ask that you open the doors for us financially, spiritually and emotionally."
Sounds okay, right? But here is the kicker...I said this next:
"Lord I know this is a crazy amount of money we need. I want you to know I am not afraid of working, I won't ask you for all of it. I'll get extra jobs, I'll write blogs, I'll host auctions, I'll sew my fingers to the bone, Lord I want you to know I'm not just looking for a handout, I'll work for your kingdom and this child!"
Now, don't get me wrong, sitting back and eating bon bon's on the couch without doing anything, without writing blogs, without public speaking, without fundraisers, without praying, without saving, without cutting back would have been flat out wrong. It would be like saying- "Lord if you want this adoption to happen, fill out the paperwork yourself."
No, that would have been foolish.
BUT, for me looking back I can see that at times my motives were wrong. They were unholy. I was offering to work because I thought to myself, surely it couldn't happen without me. Surely my involvement was irreplaceable and required. Surely I don't deserve hand outs without as much work as possible in return!! How could I do that with a clean conscious?
I also believe a very real part of me did (and if I'm being honest, still does) feel as though the Lord will only take us so far on the journey before he drops us off to sea to steer the ship on our own.
That TERRIFIES me. What on earth will I do when the money runs out? When the faith runs out? When my strength runs out?
Because of that fear plan A has a plan B, and plan B has a C, and plan C has 14 escape roots and all of the elevators marked.
God is good and all, but I better be prepared in case He drops the ball. Funny thing is that, do you know, every attempt I've had, independent of seeking God or relying on him, has FAILED.
F-A-I-L-E-D.
Here is the latest example.
I decided that with $6,000 (ish) in lawyers fees coming up, a $2,000 (at least) trip quickly approaching, and a few more agency bills coming on any given day I'd better start scheming. I decided people, and God, had been gracious enough. We would not ask anyone for any more direct donations, instead, I would work on working more. TeJay and I had received more grace and gifts than anyone could stomach. Time to stop being greedy. Start taking odd jobs (watching kids for me, donating plasma for TeJay) and continue investing in Scrunch Nose and pinching pennies.
Good plan, right?
On paper, yes. We should be doing ALL of those things. We shouldn't be afraid or unwilling work for the Lord. We shouldn't, however, be afraid the Lord is incapable or unwilling to aid us any further, so we take back the reigns ourselves-which is exactly what I did.
I prayed saying, Lord I'll work! I'll sew enough pairs of shoes to pay for my stay in Africa. I'll hold another auction to pay for airfare! Don't worry God, you've done enough, you sit this one out-I've got this!!
So, I went to work. Happy as a clam. I sent out emails asking for donations in exchange for advertising and exposure to new clientele. So in the donations came, one by one, and as they did I can almost feel myself patting my own back.
Well done, Ashleigh, you're doing great!
Then, it happened. One of the most awful things that's happened to me in my sewing years. TeJay related it to the Health Department closing down a restaurant for flies.
My Etsy shop randomly disappeared.
Two years of work, of positive reviews, of feedback, pictures, description, shop exposure...gone.
Poof, without a trace.
I panic. I email 8651 people, I call people, I cry, and then I panic some more. I can't access my sold orders, I can't get any of my in stock inventory, pictures, or descriptions.
So I cry some more.
WHY Lord, WHY! You knew I was going to use this money to fly to Africa to meet Big E., remember? You know, the child we said yes to when YOU asked us to adopt.?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Two days-and no progress-I dug back through an old email account that I rarely check to find an email in March (when I did the first auction) that it was in direct violation of Etsy's policies and procedures and if I do it again my shop will be closed.
My. Heart. Sunk.
I felt angry, sad, embarrassed, humiliated, humbled, depressed.
I grovelled and grumbled as I finished my orders, rebuilt my shop (and apparently my soul) from the ground up. And for some reason I never got it. I was angry the whole time. I just kept saying
WHY? WHY WHY WHY!?
And then, just like that, it clicked.
GRACE. Sweet and smooth grace, like water to a thirsty heart. GRACE.
Had I forgotten so easily about the free love and mercies of God, that I favored my own wisdom to His?
You know what is even crazier? That I have not had one good reason to worry on this journey. That hasn't stopped me, of course, but I've had not one good reason.
Did you know that, to date, we haven't had even ONE bill come in that God hasn't provided for? NOT ONE BILL. That is incredible considering we've spend almost $18,000.00 on this adoption so far in OFFICIAL bills only.
$18,000 that the Lord has provided, and I need to work so hard without Him for my tickets?
Oh me of little faith. Oh me, observer of the law. What a fool.
I haven't truly trusted the Lord enough on this journey. Oh Lord, I am so sorry.
If you get anything from me (other than that I really DON'T have it all together, that I really am NOT that cool, and that I am NOT a good person) I want you to see the Love of my God. The undeserving, unmerited, love I've been given.
Oh, how He loves.
I'll close with a song that I've had stuck in my head on repeat since my shop closed. How great and faithful is our Lord!
If we end this journey with not one penny of debt and no grey hairs, it's all because of Jesus. If we end the journey with a loan and a head of grey, it too is all because of Jesus, and that won't be a bad thing or mean that He stopped caring.
No debt, no stress, no fears, no challenges can separate me from the grace of my God.
PROGRESS
Well folks, it's ALMOST official. I am in the progress of searching and booking tickets to go meet my daughter. This first trip will just be me (Scary!) and my mom if we are able to sort the details out. I plan to book the trip so it will be about a week long. Right now I am searching for dates in late November or early December. I'll keep you up to speed, I promise!
I am so THRILLED that in a matter of weeks I could very well be holding my daughter, even if just for awhile.
Our homestudy needed major revisions, as does our immigration approval and we are working on both of those before our dossier can be sent to Africa. The pieces are coming together and should be happening soon.
<3
Prayers are still greatly needed! Please stay tuned for an auction coming up the first week of November! Some very generous items have rolled in and the proceeds for the auction will go to my flight, hotel, stay and other adoption related tasks I'll try to tackle while there. When I figure out the luggage situation and exact dates, I may open up to accepting orphanage donations. When my new shop is back up, I'll be sure to share with you all too!
Part 1: Birth
Order
Yes, we are adopting out of birth order by 4 (possibly 5) years. Yes, I know it's crazy.
Was it a part of the original plan? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
In fact, I can remember talking about this very topic vividly together in the early stages of our adoption, (like before we had even decided to adopt internationally) and what we came up with was that we were not capable/willing to take in an older child at this time. However, it's pretty clear that we need to stop speaking for God, this is something I should have done a long time ago. He has guided every step of our journey, even when it was so dark I couldn't see. Doors closed that I couldn't understand, while others opened I never saw coming opened. We both believe that through a series of events, some of them excruciatinglydifficult, that God was preparing our hearts for Big E. Stretching them little by little, so that eventually we reached a place where we could look at this girl and say: "Okay, let's do it." Often times since announcing that we are taking in this 6 (maybe 7) year old, we have been met with excited faces that are both thrilled and curious. You can definitely see hints of confusion in faces out there when we share our story...and rightly so. A SIX (maybe 7!) year old from AFRICA?! Who does that?! Not this Reno housewife, or so I would have said even a year ago. A few years ago, I probably would have even given the same look that I often see on many a people's faces. If it was JUST ME, I'd say lock me up and throw away the key..I've lost my marbles! But it's NOT ME, it's God. He is molding us, shaping us, changing us...even if it is insane. My hope is that it's insane in all of the right ways. It takes a very insane unique family to jump into the world of adoption in general. It takes more of a trust in God than I could even explain in words. It takes faith, perseverance utter dependence and community. Pride has to go if you are willing to receive help (financially, spiritually etc.)and so does control. I hope that through this adoption (that we are EXCITED ABOUT BEYOND WORDS) that we are sharing the love of Christ in a whole new way. To this sweet little girl, to others around us, and very importantly...to ourselves. So yes, I get the strange and puzzled looks, I do, it really is a bit out there. The puzzled looks are totally okay with me. Other times, however, our news is met with looks deeper than puzzlement...they are met with fear.
A si...si...six year old!?
It's easy to see fear in others eyes.
Their eyes light up and I can almost see every adoption horror story they have ever heard comes flooding into mind. In fact, on more than one occasion the horror stories don't just come to mind, they come out of others mouths.
This really isn't all that unusual either.
(Side note people: Telling adoptive families horror stories is the SAME THING as telling a pregnant woman horror labor stories, it doesn't really help all that much. If you must share a horror story for educational purposes, please try to do so with tact (= )
For some reason we, as a society, are afraid of
older children. We wouldn't dare say it out loud, but we can too often look at
them as “damaged goods.” It confuses people a bit I think, that we are taking an older child when from the start of this blog we have wanted a child in a younger demographic.
So, the big question. Why did we go from 0-2, to 0-3, to 0-4 to a SIX
year old!?
Well, the answer (other than what should be the
obvious-God) is that the deeper we got into this journey the more our fears we
had before didn’t hold any water.
Russell Moore says it well in his book Adopted for
Life-
“An adopting Christian
couple may decide they want to adopt an infant or young toddler so as to
exercise a maximal amount of stewardship in that child’s life.That’s a legitimate decision.
On the other hand,
Christians must acknowledge that the OLDER a child is, the less “adoptable”
he is. It is always easier for orphanages or agencies to find willing
adopting parents for cute newborns than for older children.”
You
see, we aren't here to say EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT INTER-COUNTRY, or EVERYONE
SHOULD ADOPT TRANS-RACIALLY, or EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT OLDER CHILDREN!
No!! Not even in the slightest. I think making a
decision to disrupt birth order is one
that shouldn't be made lightly. For us, we had many concerns before making our decision; concerns about our daughter and the effect that taking in an older child might have. What about possible abuse situations? Or poor behavior that could be learned from an older sibling? What could she feel being displaced by birth order? These, and many more, were things we prayed, talked, and discussed often before making our decision of what was best for our family. The more we prayed and got to know Big E. through video clips and reports, the more our God allowed some of the fears we had to fade, or fall apart all together. For us, and our family, this is what worked. It’s not a decision someone should just jump into. It is my PERSONAL opinion that it
should be considered on a case-by-case basis with many things factored into play.
I don’t think we would just randomly take ANY older child by drawing blind straws
JUST because we wanted someone older specifically. But God led us to Big E. and
as we began to read all of her reports, as we watched the videos of her
playing, singing, dancing, smiling and talking about her deep desire for a
family-the fears we had of older
children began to fade just enough.
It breaks my heart that our sweet girl has been in
an orphanage for OVER A YEAR watching others come and go with families while
she only grows older by the day. She might
have even had to wonder, what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? (of
course I can’t speak for her thoughts)
It’s hard for me to understand when I look at her,
and I imagine at 6 years old-and still VERY much a child-it’s been even harder
for her. For some reason when we see a non-adoptive 6-year-old we can see this…
But when we think of adopting a 6-year-old we see this…
Now, don’t mishear me here. THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT
“WHO DESERVES IT MORE” but it is a
post saying, don’t older children need
homes also?
Part Two: Baked
Beans
I don’t enjoy beans. I avoid them like the plague.
If they are re-fried, baked, or any crazy style that leaves them in a gumpy,
gooshy, gooey brown form (YA-UCK!) I’m 800% sure I try to avoid eating them.
Beans are whack. I don’t enjoy living in a world run
by bean lovers, but I have to deal with it. I have to eat them on occasion
because people are CRAZY for the mushy nuggets and sometimes, there is just no avoiding it.
I don’t enjoy living in a world polluted with sin
either, but I have even less choice
in that matter. Beans and sin abound. Because we live in a world with sin, we
also live with a daily reminder of the consequences.
I know that we will have to deal with some “baked
beans” once home. I don’t mean to put down the very real struggles parents and
adoptive children face when merging together by referring to it as beans,
because it is so much more than that.
What I am however saying, is that I am not naïve
that this adoption will come with its own unique needs and demands.
Sin has affected the world and has left our girl
orphaned at an age old enough to truly feel the hurt, but young enough not to
understand. Of course there will be challenges. I know that.
But just because I know that, doesn’t mean I know
everything either. How could I? I'm 25 years old and still can't navigate my way around the city I've lived in my entire life (don't judge me!) clearly, I am lacking in all-things-knowledge.
I
didn’t know everything about having a baby, just because I was pregnant! I read
the books, I took the classes, but regardless at 3 am on 2 hours sleep after
the 87th diaper change of the hour I can remember thinking “no one
prepared me for this!”
I don’t doubt it will be the same here.
We know we will need lots of educating, lots of
support, lots of prayer, and lots of encouragement along the way. When I watch
her videos I often catch myself picturing a “picture perfect” family once she
comes home…
You know, we run through the lilies singing songs
and laughing unstoppably.
While there will be that, hopefully, I know it won’t
be all that. I pictured the same when pregnant with Eva and isn’t always that
either!
I know it will be hard. She will have hurts and
needs I’ll never be able to fully understand. She has had to live through
things I’ll never be able to fix. Things that are just downright unfair. I’ll
never be able to erase having to live in an orphanage for a year (however
loving and wonderful it is) and I’ll never be able to erase the pain in her
heart or the loss she’s had to go through.
I’m just not capable of that. I’ll do my best to
love her, support her, assure her we will never leave her, walk through life
with her, speak truth to her, nurture her, guide her, and listen to her…but I
can’t heal her. Only God can.
What I can do is give her a home, a mom, and
stability. I’ll need help with the rest no doubt.
Part Three:
Barbies
The other side to that coin is that no matter what
has happened to her; what she has done, what has been done to her, shouldn’t outweigh her need for a family.
At our WORST
Christ died for us, He redeemed us and adopted us, washing us white as snow.
If, when I shared her file and picture with others
in the adoption community, a family would have jumped on it I would have been
heartbroken, but it would have been okay. Maybe I would have even been slightly
relieved, because as much as I wanted her-I
feared her equally.
I read in an article when we were researching and
debating accepting her referral that “sometimes what we call wisdom is actually
FEAR.”
We always said to each other, we’ll adopt an older
child when our children are older.
But that’s just the thing, there are older children
waiting RIGHT NOW. Children who only
grow older by the minute.
I believe in my whole heart that Big E. deserves a
shot at a childhood; at Barbies. At tea parties, and dress up, and sleep overs,
and sugar highs, and kisses, cookies, and sneaking out of her room on Christmas
morning to look under the twinkling tree. She deserves all of that, sin has
left her without a mom and a dad and that SUCKS; but she deserves a shot. More importantly, she has, just as great as
anyone else, a need to learn about Jesus.
She needs to know of His healing, of His grace and
love. She needs to know that even though she will have a mother and
father who won’t ever leave her; even greater than that, she has an eternal father who
has NEVER left her.
So there you have it folks, my thoughts on the
subject. I don’t assume everyone will agree and THAT’S OKAY! Please remember
I’m not saying EVERYONE should adopt an older child, but I am saying you could. I’m also not saying that every adoption we do (or don't do, who knows) from here on out will be an older child. If I had it my way I'd still love to adopt an infant from the states, a toddler from a distant land, and about 17 kids in-between scattered across the globe.
I just think we do ourselves a disservice by ruling out the possibility of loving an older child from the get go. I wonder, if maybe, if we would stretch ourselves just a tiny bit we could see light shining in a whole new way.
.JPG)
