If there is one thing I've learned since the start of our journey it's this-adoption is never black and white.
It's joy and it's sorrow. It's beauty and it's pain.
It's redemption with a cost.
"She's so lucky."
I hear these words so, so often. By friends, family, heck, I imagine I've even said it to others before. It's not a negative thing to say, it's not an ignorant thing to say, no not at all. It's just that since adoption is a two sided coin, that phrase doesn't do the whole picture justice. It's only showing one piece of it all.
Yes, God led a family to her, and us to her. That is lucky, that is great, that is fantastic. I hope she loves our home, I hope she feels loved and *lucky*. I hope she feels desired, special, cherished, loved and thankful that a family found her, and that she found a family.
I hope all of those things. She is, in a sense, lucky.
The reason the "she's so lucky" pill never seems to go down easy for me... is because in such a very real sense...she's not. She's not lucky, in fact, I cannot imagine most Americans would eagerly take her place.
What is lucky about becoming an orphan? What is lucky about losing a mom and a dad? What on earth is LUCKY about that? What is lucky about the very real pain she has, and the very real hurts she will have forever?
What is lucky about lonely nights and kiss-less mornings? What is lucky about having no one in your life to make you your favorite breakfast in the morning, or tell you how beautiful you are every day?
What is lucky about the millions of children in the world going to bed hungry every night here on our own soil and afar? What is lucky about children dying of treatable and PREVENTABLE disease every single day?
What in the world is lucky about that?
If anyone in this story is lucky, friends, it's us. God has used this journey to shape us, and though it's been painful, I can see fruit rising. Not only that, but we get our daughter at the end of this journey. The girl whom everyone says is destined to do great things. The girl who can light a room with her smile. She is radiant, she is brilliant, she is lovely, she is ours. Or at least I pray she will be so very soon. Legally and forever our daughter.
Yes, friends. If there is anyone lucky in this story, we are the lucky ones.
Finances and Progress
Friends we are about $8,000 from having our adoption PAID FOR! (Of course assuming nothing else major arises What started off as an estimated $20,000 adventure has grown to a $35,000 adventure...in official bills only. It seems like every week something else is coming up for $20.00 bucks here, $100.00 there, all out of pocket. While things are tight around the Harvey household I cannot even tell you how much it blows my mind how provided and protected we have been on this journey.
We've fundraised, we've sold everything we own of value, we received incredibly generous donations, and we've prayed like crazy.
All of that pales to the fact that we serve a loving, merciful, and wonderful God. He blesses us when we do not deserve to be blessed at all.
The Lord has so graciously provided over $22,000 in 9 months. That BLOWS my mind, though it really shouldn't. This is the God of the universe after all My goodness how I love him. My goodness how He LOVES me.
It has always been our prayer that we end this story with as little debt, or better yet, no debt at all. I really think we can do it! Would you join us in prayer for the next few months? Just because I am travelling to Africa doesn't mean the war is over...in all honesty it's just begun.
I have a feeling the ride is about to get bumpier than ever. Even though it's looking like we won't be home before Christmas (pretty much what every adoptive family prays for) I am praying we get her home soon. Not sooner than God's will, but as soon as possible. I want my baby home.
Pray we can wrap up the financial end so we don't have to borrow any money.
Pray for the evil one to have no power in this process.
Pray for the people working on our case. That their hands and hearts would work well with God's plans.
Pray for our family.
Pray for travel mercies.
Pray for us like never before, because, folks, I'm going to AFRICA!
WHAT!? So crazy, I couldn't be more excited. There are times I am worried or nervous, but that will be a post for another day when I have more time. The Lord has really been working on my heart lately to expose to to knew things and knew depths of love than I could have ever imagined myself knowing before. Again, a post for another day soon. Probably when I come back.
Before then, I wanted to share something FUN, and budget friendly (because we are obviously not rolling in the dough right now) I'm not an expert designer by any means, but I love how it turned out.
What am I talking about?
Big E.'s room of course!
I was desperate to give her a space unique, beautiful, and a representation of how much we love and want HER. I wanted it to be everything SHE wanted, while fitting my picky bill of decor (ask my husband, that's hard to do!) With her love of red and yellow paired with her taste for all-things-girly, I decided I was going for a whimsical/princess/romantic red and yellow theme.
I began a search on the internet and found TONS of options I loved, but only one problem...picky taste often times equals high price tags!
We just couldn't spend more than a few hundred dollars on everything, so I put my thinking cap on and got to praying and pinching pennies. Though I imagine I'll add a few more pops of red and yellow as awesome things catch my eye, it's basically done and I am proud to give her this space.
TA-DA! What do you think, fabulous right?
So here is how we did it.
The bed frame was DONATED to us, yes you heard me right, the princess frame was DONATED so the total cost for the frame was around $10.00 for new hardware.
I made the bedding myself (duh) and the pillow completely out of scraps of minky, binding and fabric I had left over, so the pillow was free and the bedding was just supplies.
The yellow curtains were a fabric steal at $3.00 a yard. I made the bed skirt out of some OLD curtains we had.
(up-cycle, up-cycle!)
The dresser was an auction find that used to look...a lot less enchanting. Add one talented hubby, a can of stain and VIOLA! A beautiful dresser and mirror for less $65.00
The chair, lamp and picture in the mirror we had. I made the flower vase for $2.00 from Wal-Mart (those ugly flowers they have CAN be put to good use) the vintage books were an Etsy find for $1.50, and the awesome Africa lunchbox was a gift from my sister-in-law.
The molding was actually free from our neighbors when they moved out, all we needed was white paint which I got 50% off at Wal-Mart for $4.00.
The fantastic tree decal? $5.00 on amazon. I kid you not. JAW-FLOOR, I know. It's is a pain to assemble as it isn't super sticky, but for $5.00 WHO CARES?!
So there, you have it! Design on an adoption friendly dime =)
Will I post again before I leave for my adventure?
19 days until one of the biggest adventures of my life, my first of TWO trips to Africa. So much to do, so many things still needed to fall in place. I am really trying to be present with my family HERE until I leave but there is so much to do! I am so afraid to leave Eva for so long. My heart aches to think of it. Adoption is HARD. We need lots of prayer for the financial pieces, the documentation, and the logistics to all come together. We come so far financially (praise The Lord!) but just because things are moving quickly now, doesn't mean we have all that we need. The boat is STILL for sale, and we must continue fundraising. There is still over 10,000 to go! TeJay and I really wanted to thank everyone who has personally, financially, and prayfully, invested in this journey. So many of you have made huge sacrifices not just for us, but as a mission to pursue Jesus. To support adoption. We have NOT forgotten this, all this would only be a dream and totally IMPOSSIBLE without you. We moved so many mountains on this road, and though we have the biggest ones yet ahead, I am so thankful for the love of friends, family and strangers! It is amazing to watch God provide and love us through his people.
Thank you to everyone who has pledged and committed to helping one less. One less lonely heart, one less motherless daughter, one more daddy's girl.
One less.
Though I wish I could post where I am headed to, or updates of our journey when there, you'll have to wait awhile. There probably won't be too many updates on this trip.
I am hopeful that while there we can push for our case to get filed and request a court date soon. We want our girl HOME!!! Also, please pray for protection while traveling, as many of you know I can't even find my way around the city I've lived in my whole life (that's why I married TeJay!!) and I've never done any real traveling. So thankful my mom is coming with me! Please, pray, pray, pray! I am STILL hosting the auction the first few days of November to help cover I travel costs of flight, and hotel.
We've been doing a series at Church on Galatians about fighting for Grace. Fighting to remember that Grace is FREE, that we do NOTHING to earn salvation by our own goodness. We can't, becuase on our own-we aren't good. We might think we're good (and by human standards you can easily use that argument) but we aren't perfect, and that is what God demands of us. Perfection. Because of that, God alone is responsible for his mercies on us. Though we are called to obey God, our obedience isn't what earned us favor with God, Jesus' obedience was. Though the law is not evil, actually, far from it, it is not the law that saves. It's Grace.
My pastor used, what I believe to be, one of the best analogies I've ever heard in reference to the law and grace. (excuse me while I paraphrase and hopefully not butcher his intentions)
He said, imagine you are walking down the road. Somehow you fall into this hole. When you hit the bottom you break both of your legs, your arms and something happens to your vocal chords to where your voice is gone. You can't walk, you can't crawl, you can't even cry out for help. You are an immobile prisoner in this hole.
Someone comes along and presents a perfectly sturdy ladder, and places it in the hole telling you to climb your way out. There is nothing wrong with this ladder, it's solidly-made, beautiful, and would most certainly help you out of the hole...if you were able to climb it.
But you can't. I can't. Because we are broken. The law is the ladder. The law isn't flawed or evil, but it can't get you out of that hole. You need someone to come in and rescue you.
The rescuer is grace. The rescuer is Jesus.
I found myself in love with the analogy, I made a mental note of it for when I share the Gospel-but still felt as though I didn't need this series. I KNOW grace was a free gift.
I know in the depths of my soul that I am sinner with a great need of a savior. I've done horrible things. Given the right time, circumstance, and situation I would do despicable things, and I know that. Jesus not only saved me from my past, he saved me from my future without him. Without Jesus I have no hope.
With Jesus I have promise, I have a future, I have GRACE.
I KNOW I am saved by Grace. I believe in the love of Grace so much that we gave Eva that as a middle name. We love grace in this house.
No, we aren't afraid of works, works aren't bad (in fact, the Lord commands them!) but, they aren't what save us. We work BECAUSE we have been saved, as a response to Grace. We do not work TO be saved. Just as faith without works is dead (James 2:14); good works without faith futile (John 15:4-5)
What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
-James 2:14
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself;it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
-John 15:4-5
So, what does this have to do with adoption?
Nothing and everything.
It's strange, but I've found myself thinking about grace a lot lately. Asking myself what my motives are for the things I'm doing in my life.
"It all comes down to your heart Ashleigh, are you serving Jesus TO be saved, or are you serving Jesus BECAUSE you're saved? Big difference Ash. One crushes the soul, the other free's it."
You see, as much as I KNOW grace is what saves me, as much as I KNOW grace is what frees me; time and time again I shackle myself up in the chains of the law. TIME and TIME again.
Did you know, when we first started this journey I ACTUALLY prayed to God saying something like this....
"Lord I know you are a merciful and loving father. I know you are leading us down this path and that it will take tremendous faith in you. Lord, I plead you to go ahead of us on the journey, I ask that you open the doors for us financially, spiritually and emotionally."
Sounds okay, right? But here is the kicker...I said this next:
"Lord I know this is a crazy amount of money we need. I want you to know I am not afraid of working, I won't ask you for all of it. I'll get extra jobs, I'll write blogs, I'll host auctions, I'll sew my fingers to the bone, Lord I want you to know I'm not just looking for a handout, I'll work for your kingdom and this child!"
Now, don't get me wrong, sitting back and eating bon bon's on the couch without doing anything, without writing blogs, without public speaking, without fundraisers, without praying, without saving, without cutting back would have been flat out wrong. It would be like saying- "Lord if you want this adoption to happen, fill out the paperwork yourself."
No, that would have been foolish.
BUT, for me looking back I can see that at times my motives were wrong. They were unholy. I was offering to work because I thought to myself, surely it couldn't happen without me. Surely my involvement was irreplaceable and required. Surely I don't deserve hand outs without as much work as possible in return!! How could I do that with a clean conscious?
I also believe a very real part of me did (and if I'm being honest, still does) feel as though the Lord will only take us so far on the journey before he drops us off to sea to steer the ship on our own.
That TERRIFIES me. What on earth will I do when the money runs out? When the faith runs out? When my strength runs out?
Because of that fear plan A has a plan B, and plan B has a C, and plan C has 14 escape roots and all of the elevators marked.
God is good and all, but I better be prepared in case He drops the ball. Funny thing is that, do you know, every attempt I've had, independent of seeking God or relying on him, has FAILED.
F-A-I-L-E-D.
Here is the latest example.
I decided that with $6,000 (ish) in lawyers fees coming up, a $2,000 (at least) trip quickly approaching, and a few more agency bills coming on any given day I'd better start scheming. I decided people, and God, had been gracious enough. We would not ask anyone for any more direct donations, instead, I would work on working more. TeJay and I had received more grace and gifts than anyone could stomach. Time to stop being greedy. Start taking odd jobs (watching kids for me, donating plasma for TeJay) and continue investing in Scrunch Nose and pinching pennies.
Good plan, right?
On paper, yes. We should be doing ALL of those things. We shouldn't be afraid or unwilling work for the Lord. We shouldn't, however, be afraid the Lord is incapable or unwilling to aid us any further, so we take back the reigns ourselves-which is exactly what I did.
I prayed saying, Lord I'll work! I'll sew enough pairs of shoes to pay for my stay in Africa. I'll hold another auction to pay for airfare! Don't worry God, you've done enough, you sit this one out-I've got this!!
So, I went to work. Happy as a clam. I sent out emails asking for donations in exchange for advertising and exposure to new clientele. So in the donations came, one by one, and as they did I can almost feel myself patting my own back.
Well done, Ashleigh, you're doing great!
Then, it happened. One of the most awful things that's happened to me in my sewing years. TeJay related it to the Health Department closing down a restaurant for flies.
My Etsy shop randomly disappeared.
Two years of work, of positive reviews, of feedback, pictures, description, shop exposure...gone.
Poof, without a trace.
I panic. I email 8651 people, I call people, I cry, and then I panic some more. I can't access my sold orders, I can't get any of my in stock inventory, pictures, or descriptions.
So I cry some more.
WHY Lord, WHY! You knew I was going to use this money to fly to Africa to meet Big E., remember? You know, the child we said yes to when YOU asked us to adopt.?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Two days-and no progress-I dug back through an old email account that I rarely check to find an email in March (when I did the first auction) that it was in direct violation of Etsy's policies and procedures and if I do it again my shop will be closed.
My. Heart. Sunk.
I felt angry, sad, embarrassed, humiliated, humbled, depressed.
I grovelled and grumbled as I finished my orders, rebuilt my shop (and apparently my soul) from the ground up. And for some reason I never got it. I was angry the whole time. I just kept saying
WHY? WHY WHY WHY!?
And then, just like that, it clicked.
GRACE. Sweet and smooth grace, like water to a thirsty heart. GRACE.
Had I forgotten so easily about the free love and mercies of God, that I favored my own wisdom to His?
You know what is even crazier? That I have not had one good reason to worry on this journey. That hasn't stopped me, of course, but I've had not one good reason.
Did you know that, to date, we haven't had even ONE bill come in that God hasn't provided for? NOT ONE BILL. That is incredible considering we've spend almost $18,000.00 on this adoption so far in OFFICIAL bills only.
$18,000 that the Lord has provided, and I need to work so hard without Him for my tickets?
Oh me of little faith. Oh me, observer of the law. What a fool.
I haven't truly trusted the Lord enough on this journey. Oh Lord, I am so sorry.
If you get anything from me (other than that I really DON'T have it all together, that I really am NOT that cool, and that I am NOT a good person) I want you to see the Love of my God. The undeserving, unmerited, love I've been given.
Oh, how He loves.
I'll close with a song that I've had stuck in my head on repeat since my shop closed. How great and faithful is our Lord!
If we end this journey with not one penny of debt and no grey hairs, it's all because of Jesus. If we end the journey with a loan and a head of grey, it too is all because of Jesus, and that won't be a bad thing or mean that He stopped caring.
No debt, no stress, no fears, no challenges can separate me from the grace of my God.
PROGRESS
Well folks, it's ALMOST official. I am in the progress of searching and booking tickets to go meet my daughter. This first trip will just be me (Scary!) and my mom if we are able to sort the details out. I plan to book the trip so it will be about a week long. Right now I am searching for dates in late November or early December. I'll keep you up to speed, I promise!
I am so THRILLED that in a matter of weeks I could very well be holding my daughter, even if just for awhile.
Our homestudy needed major revisions, as does our immigration approval and we are working on both of those before our dossier can be sent to Africa. The pieces are coming together and should be happening soon.
<3
Prayers are still greatly needed! Please stay tuned for an auction coming up the first week of November! Some very generous items have rolled in and the proceeds for the auction will go to my flight, hotel, stay and other adoption related tasks I'll try to tackle while there. When I figure out the luggage situation and exact dates, I may open up to accepting orphanage donations. When my new shop is back up, I'll be sure to share with you all too!
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