Birth Order, Baked Beans and Barbie

Part 1: Birth Order

Yes, we are adopting out of birth order by 4 (possibly 5) years. Yes, I know it's crazy.

Was it a part of the original plan? ABSOLUTELY NOT. 

In fact, I can remember talking about this very topic vividly together in the early stages of our adoption, (like before we had even decided to adopt internationally) and what we came up with was that we were not capable/willing to take in an older child at this time.

However, it's pretty clear that we need to stop speaking for God, this is something I should have done a long time ago. He has guided every step of our journey, even when it was so dark I couldn't see. Doors closed that I couldn't understand, while others opened I never saw coming opened. 

We both believe that through a series of events, some of them excruciatingly difficult, that God was preparing our hearts for Big E. Stretching them little by little, so that eventually we reached a place where we could look at this girl and say: "Okay, let's do it."

Often times since announcing that we are taking in this 6 (maybe 7) year old, we have been met with excited faces that are both thrilled and curious. You can definitely see hints of confusion in faces out there when we share our story...and rightly so.

A SIX (maybe 7!) year old from AFRICA?! Who does that?! Not this Reno housewife, or so I would have said even a year ago.

A few years ago, I probably would have even given the same look that I often see on many a people's faces.

If it was JUST ME, I'd say lock me up and throw away the key..I've lost my marbles! But it's NOT ME, it's God. He is molding us, shaping us, changing us...even if it is insane.

My hope is that it's insane in all of the right ways. 

It takes a very insane unique family to jump into the world of adoption in general. It takes more of a trust in God than I could even explain in words. It takes faith, perseverance  utter dependence and community. Pride has to go if you are willing to receive help (financially, spiritually etc.)and so does control.

I hope that through this adoption (that we are EXCITED ABOUT BEYOND WORDS) that we are sharing the love of Christ in a whole new way. To this sweet little girl, to others around us, and very importantly...to ourselves. 


So yes, I get the strange and puzzled looks, I do, it really is a bit out there. The puzzled looks are totally okay with me.

Other times, however, our news is met with looks deeper than puzzlement...they are met with fear.

A si...si...six year old!? 

It's easy to see fear in others eyes.

Their eyes light up and I can almost see every adoption horror story they have ever heard comes flooding into mind. In fact, on more than one occasion the horror stories don't just come to mind, they come out of others mouths. 

This really isn't all that unusual either.

(Side note people: Telling adoptive families horror stories is the SAME THING as telling a pregnant woman horror labor stories, it doesn't really help all that much. If you must share a horror story for educational purposes, please try to do so with tact (= )

For some reason we, as a society, are afraid of older children. We wouldn't dare say it out loud, but we can too often look at them as “damaged goods.” It confuses people a bit I think, that we are taking an older child when from the start of this blog we have wanted a child in a younger demographic.

So, the big question. Why did we go from 0-2, to 0-3, to 0-4 to a SIX year old!?

Well, the answer (other than what should be the obvious-God) is that the deeper we got into this journey the more our fears we had before didn’t hold any water.

Russell Moore says it well in his book Adopted for Life-

  

“An adopting Christian couple may decide they want to adopt an infant or young toddler so as to exercise a maximal amount of stewardship in that child’s life. That’s a legitimate decision.

On the other hand, Christians must acknowledge that the OLDER a child is, the less “adoptable” he is. It is always easier for orphanages or agencies to find willing adopting parents for cute newborns than for older children.”

You see, we aren't here to say EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT INTER-COUNTRY, or EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT TRANS-RACIALLY, or EVERYONE SHOULD ADOPT OLDER CHILDREN!

No!! Not even in the slightest. I think making a decision to disrupt birth order is one that shouldn't be made lightly. For us, we had many concerns before making our decision; concerns about our daughter and the effect that taking in an older child might have. What about possible abuse situations? Or poor behavior that could be learned from an older sibling? What could she feel being displaced by birth order? These, and many more, were things we prayed, talked, and discussed often before making our decision of what was best for our family. The more we prayed and got to know Big E. through video clips and reports, the more our God allowed some of the fears we had to fade, or fall apart all together. For us, and our family, this is what worked.

It’s not a decision someone should just jump into. It is my PERSONAL opinion  that it should be considered on a case-by-case basis with many things factored into play.

I don’t think we would just randomly take ANY older child by drawing blind straws JUST because we wanted someone older specifically. But God led us to Big E. and as we began to read all of her reports, as we watched the videos of her playing, singing, dancing, smiling and talking about her deep desire for a family-the fears we had of older children began to fade just enough.

It breaks my heart that our sweet girl has been in an orphanage for OVER A YEAR watching others come and go with families while she only grows older by the day. She might have even had to wonder, what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me? (of course I can’t speak for her thoughts)

It’s hard for me to understand when I look at her, and I imagine at 6 years old-and still VERY much a child-it’s been even harder for her. For some reason when we see a non-adoptive 6-year-old we can see this…

But when we think of adopting a 6-year-old we see this…

Now, don’t mishear me here. THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT “WHO DESERVES IT MORE” but it is a post saying, don’t older children need homes also?

Part Two: Baked Beans

I don’t enjoy beans. I avoid them like the plague. If they are re-fried, baked, or any crazy style that leaves them in a gumpy, gooshy, gooey brown form (YA-UCK!) I’m 800% sure I try to avoid eating them.

Beans are whack. I don’t enjoy living in a world run by bean lovers, but I have to deal with it. I have to eat them on occasion because people are CRAZY for the mushy nuggets and sometimes, there is just no avoiding it.

I don’t enjoy living in a world polluted with sin either, but I have even less choice in that matter. Beans and sin abound. Because we live in a world with sin, we also live with a daily reminder of the consequences.

I know that we will have to deal with some “baked beans” once home. I don’t mean to put down the very real struggles parents and adoptive children face when merging together by referring to it as beans, because it is so much more than that.

What I am however saying, is that I am not naïve that this adoption will come with its own unique needs and demands.

Sin has affected the world and has left our girl orphaned at an age old enough to truly feel the hurt, but young enough not to understand. Of course there will be challenges. I know that.

But just because I know that, doesn’t mean I know everything either. How could I? I'm 25 years old and still can't navigate my way around the city I've lived in my entire life (don't judge me!) clearly, I am lacking in all-things-knowledge.

I didn’t know everything about having a baby, just because I was pregnant! I read the books, I took the classes, but regardless at 3 am on 2 hours sleep after the 87^th diaper change of the hour I can remember thinking “no one prepared me for this!”

I don’t doubt it will be the same here.

We know we will need lots of educating, lots of support, lots of prayer, and lots of encouragement along the way. When I watch her videos I often catch myself picturing a “picture perfect” family once she comes home…

You know, we run through the lilies singing songs and laughing unstoppably.

While there will be that, hopefully, I know it won’t be all that. I pictured the same when pregnant with Eva and isn’t always that either!

I know it will be hard. She will have hurts and needs I’ll never be able to fully understand. She has had to live through things I’ll never be able to fix. Things that are just downright unfair. I’ll never be able to erase having to live in an orphanage for a year (however loving and wonderful it is) and I’ll never be able to erase the pain in her heart or the loss she’s had to go through.

I’m just not capable of that. I’ll do my best to love her, support her, assure her we will never leave her, walk through life with her, speak truth to her, nurture her, guide her, and listen to her…but I can’t heal her. Only God can.

What I can do is give her a home, a mom, and stability. I’ll need help with the rest no doubt.

Part Three: Barbies

The other side to that coin is that no matter what has happened to her; what she has done, what has been done to her, shouldn’t outweigh her need for a  family.

At our WORST Christ died for us, He redeemed us and adopted us, washing us white as snow.

If, when I shared her file and picture with others in the adoption community, a family would have jumped on it I would have been heartbroken, but it would have been okay. Maybe I would have even been slightly relieved, because as much as I wanted her-I feared her equally.

I read in an article when we were researching and debating accepting her referral that “sometimes what we call wisdom is actually FEAR.”

We always said to each other, we’ll adopt an older child when our children are older.

But that’s just the thing, there are older children waiting RIGHT NOW. Children who only grow older by the minute.

I believe in my whole heart that Big E. deserves a shot at a childhood; at Barbies. At tea parties, and dress up, and sleep overs, and sugar highs, and kisses, cookies, and sneaking out of her room on Christmas morning to look under the twinkling tree. She deserves all of that, sin has left her without a mom and a dad and that SUCKS; but she deserves a shot. More importantly, she has, just as great as anyone else, a need to learn about Jesus.

She needs to know of His healing, of His grace and love. She needs to know that even though she will have a mother and father who won’t ever leave her; even greater than that, she has an eternal father who has NEVER left her.

So there you have it folks, my thoughts on the subject. I don’t assume everyone will agree and THAT’S OKAY! Please remember I’m not saying EVERYONE should adopt an older child, but I am saying you could. 

I’m also not saying that every adoption we do (or don't do, who knows) from here on out will be an older child. If I had it my way I'd still love to adopt an infant from the states, a toddler from a distant land, and about 17 kids in-between scattered across the globe.

I just think we do ourselves a disservice by ruling out the possibility of loving an older child from the get go. I wonder, if maybe, if we would stretch ourselves just a tiny bit we could see light shining in a whole new way.

Until Next Time!

-TeJay, Ashleigh, Big E. and Little E.