Consume Me Like a Fire

A year ago life was practically perfect.

And a year ago I felt nothing.

I had a family I adored, a job I loved (SAHM and Scrunch Nose!) great friends, wonderful Church, amazing family and our own little piece of Heaven right here on Earth. The bills were paid, and Scrunchies were booming enough that we actually had a savings account (wow!). Everything about our life felt very stable. We were able to dream about taking a vacation (ahhh Alaskan cruise, we will meet someday!). Our cars were in great shape, our health was top notch, we quite literally didn’t have a care in the world.

There was only one problem with my little Utopian bubble.

Because I didn’t have a care in the world, I didn’t care.

I was so blinded by managing my happily ever after that I refused to look at the world around me. The very world I claimed to love, the world entangled in sin and sorrow that was crying out for help all around me. I wouldn’t let myself look; because, honestly, it would have inconvenienced me and my pleasant white-picket-fence life.

Sorrow, heartache and worry would all have to wait; I was too busy picking out kitchen cabinet colors. (Note-there is nothing wrong with enjoying things in life like the simple pleasures of painting cabinets, but it was becoming an idol for ME).

While we might have been stuck in Utopia, our deepest DESIRE was for something greater; we just couldn't figure out where or what it was until the Lord just flat out dropped it on our lap.

I can remember on several times TeJay and I would pray "Lord, break our hearts for what breaks yours."

Guess what? Prayer granted.

Fast forward a year to our life now. Our car is dying, TeJay just broke his elbow (ouch!), our savings account is nearing extinction due to adopting, and I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than I do boarding an Alaskan cruise in the next few years. There are a lot of unknowns in life right now.

But guess what?

I’m full of more JOY now than I was then.

You see, before this I had never given God a chance to show me his provision, because I never stepped out in faith, or at least not fully. TeJay and I would often complain saying “God why aren’t you using me?” but we never took any action that would allow us to be used.

We read stories and know, intellectually anyways, that God will provide no matter what; but we still do not like to take risks. Risks are, well, risky. Things can go wrong. Things can be hard. Things can be sticky.

Now, I wouldn't go back to that time in life for anything, because in my Utopian life, I didn’t NEED God the way I do now. My life now requires Him, I thirst for Him, and I cannot do things except through him. I depend on him for emotional, financial and spiritual provision in a way that I never had before starting this journey.

Stepping out in our faith, out of our comfort zones, and being willing to abandon things like financial security has done more than simply blessed me; it’s freed me.

It seems like that shouldn’t be the case, but I am telling you-I feel more freedom with every penny we watch leave than I did when we were watching every penny come in. We still have a long ways to travel on this journey, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt God has gone before us to prepare a way and that, my friends, feels better than any financial security we could have ever had.

Oh Lord, thank you, continue your work in my heart. I have a long ways to go.

"Hey now, this is my desire, consume me life a fire, cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I’m in reach, cause I am down on my knees waiting for, something beautiful." -NeedToBreathe